MISS   LULU  BETT 

AN  AMERICAN  COMEDY 
OF  MANNERS 


BY 

ZONA   GALE 


D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 
NEW   YORK    :    LONDON    :    MCMXXI 


COPYRIGHT,    1921,    BY 

D.  APPLETON  AND  COMPANY 


FKINTID  IN   THE  UNITED   STATES    OF  AMERICA 


TO 
BROCK     PEMBERTON 

IN    DEEP   APPRECIATION 

OF     HIS      CREATIVE      WORK 

IN  PRODUCING  AND  STAGING 

THIS  PLAY 


THE  AUTHOR  WISHES  TO 
MAKE  ACKNOWLEDGMENT   TO 

MR.  LYTTON  W.  KERNAN 

FOR     ASSISTANCE    TO    HER 
IN  MATTERS  OF  TECHNIQUE 


AN  OPEN  LETTER 

from 
THOMAS  H.  DICKINSON 

August  5,  1921 
DEAR  Miss  GALE: 

Any  foreword  that  I  can  write  to  your  play,  Miss. 
Lulu  Beit,  must  be  addressed  to  you,  and  others  must 
read  it,  if  at  all,  over  your  shoulder.  As  an  artist  you 
are,  of  course,  not  interested  in  definitions,  being  ab 
sorbed  rather  in  always  nearer  and  nearer  approxima^ 
tions;  but  I  shall  not,  on  that  account,  forbear  to  re 
mark  how  much  your  novel,  and  the  play  that  followed 
it,  have  widened  the  practice  of  the  arts  that  they 
represent. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  if  one  would  understand  your 
novel,  one  must  think  of  it  in  terms  of  dramatic  art. 
It  is  a  commonplace  to  say  that  this  novel  marks  a 
turning  point  in  your  art.  But  perhaps  it  is  not  a 
commonplace  to  say  that  if  we  look  back  over  the  road 
you  have  traveled  we  shall  find  a  theater  at  the  cross 
roads. 

Are  we  then  to  consider  the  play  in  the  light  of  the 
technique  of  fiction?  By  no  means!  Rather  one  is 
filled  with  wonder  that  you,  an  artist  heretofore  of 

[ix] 


AN  OPEN  LETTER 

the  more  discursive  type,  should  have  out-theatred  the 
theater  when  you  come  to  practice  on  its  narrow  stage. 
If  the  theater  is  an  art  of  condensation  here  is  con 
densation  distilled;  if  of  form,  here  is  form  refined  and 
simplified;  if  of  discourse,  here  is  discourse  sum 
marized  to  shorthand.  We  are  told  that  a  true  play 
is  like  a  score  for  an  orchestra;  that  it  is  a  series  of 
expert  notes  directed  to  the  conductor  and  his  players. 
Of  no  play  of  recent  years  is  this  so  truly  the  case  as 
of  Miss  Lulu  Bett.  Not  here  are  the  spacious  char 
acter  analyses,  the  circumstantial  prescriptions  of 
movements  from  right  to  left.  And  yet  in  what  recent 
play  are  characters  so  silhouette-clear,  or  are  actions 
so  genuinely  of  the  fabric  of  the  fable?  Let  him  who 
thinks  your  play  a  "comedy  of  words"  skip  a  page  or 
even  a  speech  and  see  where  he  finds  himself. 

As  for  your  two  endings, — that  is  for  you  to  say. 
Frankly  the  matter  doesn't  interest  me  greatly,  for  it 
goes  back  to  the  consideration  of  the  drama  as  a  social 
art,  while  I,  forgetting  its  dependent  state,  would  prefer 
to  think  of  it  as  the  product  of  the  free  spirit  of  the 
writer.  I  know  that  I  may  not  so  think  of  a  play  any 
more  than  that  you  may  so  write  one.  But  I  will  not 
admit  that  the  matter  has  anything  to  do  with  happy 
versus  drab  endings,  or  with  the  variations  in  inclina 
tion  of  the  curve  of  Lulu  Bett's  career.  Nor  has  it 
anything  to  do  with  the  relative  excellence  of  this  or 
that.  It  is  concerned  entirely  with  the  fact  that  while 
as  practiced  to-day  the  art  of  fiction  permits  to  the 
artist  more  or  less  independence  in  the  use  of  his 

[x] 


AN  OPEN  LETTER 

imagination,  in  writing  a  play  he  can  rarely  forget  that 
he  is  working  with  a  collaborator  who  at  the  best  per 
plexes  him  and  at  the  worst  strikes  terror  to  his  heart. 

Granting,  as  I  do,  that  you  may  have  two  endings 
I  see  no  reason  why  you  should  not  have  half  a  dozen 
if  you  wish  and  if  circumstances  require  them.  All  I 
ask  is  that  one  of  these  be  the  ending  of  your  choice. 
If  one  of  these  endings  be  the  artist's  own  I  care  not 
what  ending  he  writes  in  collaboration.  The  best  thing 
you  have  done  in  offering  to  the  reader  your  two  end 
ings  is  to  show  him  the  documents  in  the  case.  To 
this  extent  you  have  taken  another  step  toward  that 
declaration  of  the  independence  of  dramatic  authorship 
that  is  sorely  needed. 

For  the  craftmanship  of  your  play,  for  the  combined 
burden  and  opportunity  you  give  to  your  producer  and 
to  the  actors  (admirably  carried  in  every  respect), 
for  the  courage  of  its  refusals,  not  less  than  of  its 
manifest  innovations,  I,  with  thousands  of  others,  well- 
wishers  for  the  American  theater,  am  profoundly 
grateful  to  you. 

THOMAS  H.  DICKINSON 

MILTON,  CONN. 


[xi] 


FOREWORD 

For  centuries  people  in  plays  have  been  abnormally 
distinguished.  Theirs  has  been  a  peculiar  facility  for 
cleverness,  virility,  or  personal  charm,  which  has  raised 
them  above  the  individuals  in  the  audience  and  made 
of  the  theater  a  place  where  one  goes  to  experience 
vicariously  the  warm  glow  of  uttering  an  epigram 
through  the  mouth  of  "Lord  Goring,"  the  deep  satis 
faction  of  romantic  relations  with  a  beautiful  lady 
("Prince  Rudolpho"  acting  as  our  agent),  or  the  inex 
pressible  relief  of  having  a  mortgage  lifted  through  the 
efforts  of  young  "Tom  Cartwright." 

If  Art  is  to  be  held  down  to  one  of  the  many  in 
definite  definitions  given  to  it  throughout  the  ages — 
that  of  reflecting  life — then  the  theater  has  contained 
but  little  of  Art,  for  it  has  been  peopled  by  unnaturally 
brilliant  characters  living  preposterous  lives  in  a  man 
ner  so  totally  removed  from  life  as  it  is  known  by  the 
honored  members  of  the  public  that  they  have  been 
willing  to  pay  money  to  witness  it  as  a  curiosity. 

Especially  in  its  dialogue  has  the  stage  clung  to  an 
artificiality  which  even  the  best  of  playwrights  seem 
unable  to  shake  off  once  the  blood  mounts  to  their 
temples  and  they  feel  the  resiliency  of  the  second  act 
beneath  their  feet.  Statistics  could  be  brought  out  to 

[xiii] 


FOREWORD 

prove  that,  in  an  average  gathering,  the  proportion  of 
clever  conversationalists  to  dull  though  voluble  talkers 
is  one  to  three  hundred  and  twenty- four  thousand. 
And  yet  almost  every  play  contains  at  least  three  in  a 
cast  of  ten  whose  repartee  is  unquestionably  intended 
to  be  classed  as  ' 'entertaining." 

Even  the  "old-home"  talk  of  our  rural  dramas,  the 
line,  "Land  sakes,  ain't  them  pies  done  yet?"  with 
which  the  first  act  opens,  has  become,  in  spite  of  its 
affectation  of  naturalness,  so  theatrical  that  whenever 
we  hear  a  genuine  housewife  say  it  in  a  real  kitchen  we 
suspect  her  of  trying  to  talk  like  an  actress. 

Into  this  babel  of  artificial  dialogue  came  Miss  Lulu 
Bett  bearing  the  revolutionary  banner  of  banality.  And 
under  this  banner  march  ninety-nine  one-hundredths  of 
American  conversationalists.  First  in  her  book,  and 
then  in  her  play,  Zona  Gale  discarded  the  ideal  held  by 
writers  since  Plutarch  that  their  characters  must  say 
something  unusual,  and  gave  us  "Dwight  Herbert 
Deacon"  to  say  the  gorgeously  conventional  thing  with 
epoch-making  dullness. 

"The  baked  potato  contains  more  nourishment  than 
potatoes  prepared  any  other  way.  Roasting  retains  it," 
he  asserts  in  the  first  act. 

To  which  his  wife  replies:  "That's  what  I  always 
think." 

And  the  white  light  of  truth  which  bursts  forth  from 
this  conversational  sally  discovers  Oscar  Wilde  to  be  a 
shining  collection  of  tinsel. 

Zona  Gale  is  the  first  author,  to  my  knowledge,  who 
[xiv] 


FOREWORD 

has  dared  to  write  genuinely  dull  dialogue.  Many 
writers  have  achieved  dull  dialogue  under  a  misappre 
hension  on  their  parts,  and  still  others  have  started 
out  with  the  honest  intention  of  making  their  charac 
ters  dull  in  the  interests  of  veracity.  But  these  latter 
have  sooner  or  later  succumbed  to  the  temptation  either 
of  enlarging  upon  the  dullness  until  it  became  burlesque 
or  of  capitulating  entirely  and  throwing  in  a  clever  line 
simply  to  keep  up  the  tone  of  the  play. 

But  Miss  Gale  saw  the  truth  and  has  kept  it  whole. 
She  was  depicting  uninspired  American  family  life 
(almost  for  the  first  time  in  our  literature)  and  she 
held  .fast  to  the  ideals  of  American  family  conversation. 
In  the  opening  scene  of  the  first  act  of  Miss  Lulu  Bett 
there  is  not  a  single  redeeming  feature  in  the  remarks, 
made  by  the  Deacon  family  across  the  creamed  salmon. 
It  is  nothing  short  of  magnificent. 

"Dwight  Herbert"  is,  of  course,  the  high  priest  of 
this  elaborate  banality,  and  in  his  creation  Miss  Gale 
has  given  to  America  a  man  made  in  its  own  image, 
something  rarely  done  on  our  native  stage.  And,  as 
if  this  were  not  enough,  she  has  also  brought,  whining 
and  scuffling  before  the  footlights,  our  first  normal 
stage-child,  in  the  unpleasing  person  of  the  recalcitrant 
"Monona."  For  years  we  have  seen  no  small  children 
on  the  stage  who  did  not  spend  their  time  coming  down 
stairs  in  their  nighties  to  reunite  uncongenial  parents 
or  bringing  tears  to  the  hard  eyes  of  adventuresses  by 
telling  them  that  they  looked  "des  like  muvver."  It 
was  with  the  full  force  of  an  original  dramatic  creation 

[xv] 


FOREWORD 

therefore  that  "Monona  Deacon,"  the  world's  most 
disagreeable  stage-child,  came  swimming  petulantly 
into  our  ken.  She  and  her  disillusioned  "Grandma 
Bett"  (a  character  somewhat  more  generic  as  acted  but 
no  less  vivid),  with  their  joint  and  articulate  hatred  of 
the  rest  of  the  family,  constitute  a  refreshing  rear 
rangement  of  the  hitherto  idyllic  characters  of  Child 
hood  and  Old  Age. 

In  the  interests  of  truth,  then,  Miss  Gale  has  violated 
many  sacred  dramatic  rules.  She  has  given  us  char 
acters  who  talk  as  people  really  talk  and  who  therefore 
are  dull.  She  has  given  us  an  old  lady  who  is  not 
sweet,  and  a  child  who  is  not  cute.  And,  on  the  tech 
nical  side,  she  has  begun  two  successive  scenes  with 
practically  the  same  dialogue,  so  that  for  several  min 
utes  one  is  scarcely  distinct  from  the  other.  And  in 
this  last  deviation  from  established  custom  she  has  at 
one  stroke  succeeded  in  creating  an  atmosphere  of 
monotony  and  domestic  routine  in  home  life  which 
stands  unique  among  theatrical  effects. 

The  result  of  such  adherence  to  uninspiring  reality 
might  well  have  been  expected  to  be  a  failure  in  its 
appeal  to  an  uninspiring  nation  of  theater-goers.  But 
Miss  Gale  took  the  chance.  She  wrote  the  play,  as  she 
had  written  the  book,  without  compromise,  and  was 
rewarded  by  an  enthusiastic  public, 

ROBERT  C.  BENCHLEY 


THE  CAST 

'As  produced  and  staged  by  Mr.  Brock  Pemberton 
beginning  December  27,  1920,  at  the  Belmont 
Theatre,  New  York. 

MONONA  DEACON Lois  Shore 

DWIGHT  HERBERT  DEACON William  Holden 

INA  DEACON     Catherine  Calhoun  Doucet 

LULU  BETT Carroll  McComas 

BOBBY  LARKIN Jack  Bohn 

MRS.  BETT ...  .Louis  Closser  Hale 

DIANA  DEACON Beth  Varden 

NEIL  CORNISH Willard  Robertson 

NINIAN  DEACON Brigham  Royce 

TIME  :   The  Present      PLACE  :   The  Middle  Class 

ACT      I. — Scene  i. — The  Deacon's  dining-room. 

Scene  2. — The  same ;  ten  days  later. 
ACT    II. — Scene  i. — The   Deacon's    front   porch;   a 

month  later. 

Scene  2. — The  same;  the   following  eve 
ning. 

Scene  3. — The  same;  a  fortnight  later. 
ACT  III. —  (2d  version) — The  Deacon's  front  porch. 

A  morning  later. 

(ist  version) — Cornish's  music  store;  the 
following  morning. 

Between  the  scenes  in  Acts  I  and  II  the  curtain  will 
be  lowered  a  half  a  minute  to  indicate  the  lapse  of  time* 

[xvii] 

\ 


MISS  LULU  BETT 


ACT  I 
SCENE  i 

THE  DEACON  DINING  ROOM:  Plain  rose  paper,  oak 
sideboard,  straight  chairs,  a  soft  old  brown 
divan,  table  laid  for  supper.  Large  pictures  of, 
say,  "Paul  and  Virginia"  and  Abbott  Thayer's 
"Motherhood."  A  door  left  leads  to  kitchen; 
a  door  right  front  leads  to  the  passage  and  tlie 
"other"  room.  Back  are  two  windows  with 
lace  curtains,  revealing  shrubbery  or  blossoming 
plants;  and  a  shelf  with  a  clock  and  a  photograph 
of  Ninian  Deacon.  Over  the  table  is  a  gas  burner 
in  a  glass  globe.  In  the  center  of  the  table  is 
a  pink  tulip  in  a  pot.  The  stage  is  empty. 
[Enter  MONONA.  She  tiptoes  to  the  table,  tastes 
a  dish  or  two,  hides  a  cooky  in  her  frock;  begins 
a  terrible  little  chant  on  miscellaneous  notes.] 
[Enter  DWIGHT  DEACON.] 

DWIGHT 

What!    You  don't  mean  you're  in  time  for  supper, 
baby? 

[i] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

I  ain't  a  baby. 

DWIGHT 
Ain't.    Ain't.    Ain't. 

MONONA 
Well,  I  ain't. 

DWIGHT 

We  shall  have  to  take  you  in  hand,  mama  and  L 
We  shall-have-to-take-you  in  hand. 

MONONA 
I  ain't  such  a  bad  girl. 

DWIGHT 
Ain't.    Ain't.    Ain't. 

\_Enter  IN  A,  Door  R.  E.] 

INA 
Dwightie!     Have  I  kept  you  waiting? 

DWIGHT 

It's  all  right,  my  pet.    Bear  and  forbear.     Bear  and 
forbear. 

INA 

Everything's  on  the  table.    I  didn't  hear  Lulu  call  us, 
though.     She's  fearfully  careless.    And  Dwight, 
she  looks  so  bad — when  there's  company  I  hate  to 
have  her  around. 
[They  seat  themselves.] 

[2] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Ina,  your  sister  is  very  different  from  you. 

INA 
Well,  Lulu  certainly  is  a  trial.    Come  Monona. 

DWIGHT 

Live  and  let  live,  my  dear.  We  have  to  overlook, 
you  know.  What  have  we  on  the  festive  board 
to-night  ? 

INA 

We  have  creamed  salmon.    On  toast. 

MONONA 
I  don't  want  any. 

DWIGHT 
What's  this?     No  salmon? 

MONONA 
No. 

INA 
Oh  now,  pet!    You  liked  it  before. 

MONONA 
I  don't  want  any. 

DWIGHT 

Just  a  little?  A  very  little?  What  is  this?  Progeny 
will  not  eat? 

[3] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

She  can  eat  if  she  will  eat.    The  trouble  is,  she  will 
not  take  the  time. 

DWIGHT 

She  don't  put  her  mind  on  her  meals. 

INA 

Now,  pettie,  you  must  eat  or  you'll  get  sick. 

MONONA 
I  don't  want  any. 

INA 
Well,  pettie — then  how  would  you  like  a  nice  egg? 

MONONA 
No. 

INA 
Some  bread  and  milk? 

MONONA 
No. 

[Enter  LULU   BETT.      She  carries  a  plate  of 
muffins.] 

INA 

Lulu,  Monona  won't  eat  a  thing.    I  should  think  you 
might  think  of  something  to  fix  for  her. 

LULU 
Can't  I  make  her  a  little  milk  toast? 

[4] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

Yes! 

INA 
Well  now,  sister.    Don't  toast  it  too  much.    That  last 

was  too — and  it's  no  use,  she  will  not  eat  it  if  it's 

burned. 

LULU 
I  won't  burn  it  on  purpose. 

INA 

Well,  see  that  you  don't  .  .  .  Lulu !    Which  milk  are 
you  going  to  take? 

LULU 
The  bottle  that  sets  in  front,  won't  I? 

INA 

But  that's  yesterday's  milk.    No,  take  the  fresh  bottle 
from  over  back.     Monona  must  be  nourished. 

LULU 

But  then  the  yesterday's'll  sour  and  I  can't  make  a 
custard  pie 

DWIGHT 
Kindly  settle  these  domestic  matters  without  bringing 

them  to  my  attention  at  meal  time. 

[Observes  the   tulip.} 
Flowers!    Who's  been  having  flowers  sent  in? 

INA 

Ask  Lulu. 

[si 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Suitors  ? 

LULU 
It  was  a  quarter.    There'll  be  five  flowers. 

DWIGHT 
You  bought  it? 

LULU 
Yes.    Five  flowers.    That's  a  nickel  apiece. 

DWIGHT 

Yet  we  give  you  a  home  on  the  supposition  that  you 
have  no  money  to  spend,  even  for  the  necessities. 

INA 

Well,  but  Dwightie.  Lulu  isn't  strong  enough  to  work. 
What's  the  use 

DWIGHT 

The  justice  business  and  the  dental  profession  do  not 
warrant  the  purchase  of  spring  flowers  in  my 
home. 

INA 
Well,  but  Dwightie* 

DWIGHT 
No  more.    Lulu  meant  no  harm. 

INA 

The  back  bottle,  Lulu.    And  be  as  quick  as  you  can. 
Remember,  the  back  bottle.     She  has  a  terrible 
[6] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

will,  hangs  on  to  her  own  ideas,  and  hangs  on 
[Exit  LULU.] 

DWIGHT 

Forbearance  my  pet,  forbearance.  Baked  potatoes. 
That's  good — that's  good.  The  baked  potato 
contains  more  nourishment  than  potatoes  pre 
pared  in  any  other  way.  Roasting  retains  it. 

INA 
That's  what  I  always  think. 

DWIGHT 
Where's  your  mother?    Isn't  she  coming  to  supper? 

INA 
No.     Tantrim. 

DWIGHT 

Oh  ho,  mama  has  a  tantrim,  eh?  My  dear  Ina,  your 
mother  is  getting  old.  She  don't  have  as  many 
clear-headed  days  as  she  did. 

INA 

Mama's  mind  is  just  as  good  as  it  ever  was,  some 
times. 

DWIGHT 
Hadn't  I  better  call  her  up? 

INA 
You  know  how  mama  is. 

[Enter  LULU.     She  takes  flowerpot  from  table 
and  throws  it  out  the  window.    Exit  LULU.] 

[7] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

I'd  better  see. 

[Goes  to  door  and  opens  it.] 
Mother  Bett !  .  .  .  Come  and  have  some  supper.  .  .  . 

Looks  to  me  Lulu's  muffins'd  go  down  pretty 

easy!     Come  on — I  had  something  funny  to  tell 

you  and  Ina.  .  .  . 

[Returns.] 
No  use.     She's  got  a  tall  one  on  to-night,  evidently. 

What's  the  matter  with  her? 

INA 

Well,  I  told  Lulu  to  put  the  creamed  salmon  on  the 
new  blue  platter,  and  mama  thought  I  ought  to 
use  the  old  deep  dish. 

DWIGHT 

You  reminded  her  that  you  are  mistress  here  in  your 
own  home?  But  gently,  I  hope? 

INA 

Well — I  reminded  her.  She  said  if  I  kept  on  using 
the  best  dishes  I  wouldn't  have  a  cup  left  for  my 
own  wake. 

DWIGHT 
And  my  little  puss  insisted? 

INA 

Why  of  course.  I  wanted  to  have  the  table  look  nice 
for  you,  didn't  I? 

[8] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

My  precious  pussy. 

INA 

So  then  she  walked  off  to  her  room. 

[MONONA  sings  her  terrible  little  chant.} 
Quiet,  pettie,  quiet ! 

DWIGHT 

Softly,  softly,  softly,  SOFTLY!  .  .  .  Well,  here  we  are, 
aren't  we  ?  I  tell  you  people  don't  know  what  liv 
ing  is  if  they  don't  belong  in  a  little  family  circle. 

INA 
That's  what  I  always  think. 

DWIGHT 

Just  coming  home  here  and  sort  of  settling  down — it's 
worth  more  than  a  tonic  at  a  dollar  the  bottle. 
Look  at  this  room.  See  this  table.  Could  any 
thing  be  pleasanter? 

INA 

Monona!  Now,  it's  all  over  both  ruffles.  And 
mama  does  try  so  hard.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
My  dear.    Can't  you  put  your  mind  on  the  occasion? 

INA 

Well,  but  Monona  is  so  messy. 

[9] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Women  cannot  generalize. 

[Clock  strikes  half  hour.] 
Curious  how  that  clock  loses.    It  must  be  fully  quarter 

to.    It  is  quarter  to !    I'm  pretty  good  at  guessing 

time. 

INA 
I've  often  noticed  that. 

DWIGHT 

That  clock  is  a  terrible  trial.    Last  night  it  was  only 
twenty-three  after  when  the  half  hour  struck. 

INA 
Twenty-one  I  thought. 

DWIGHT 

Twenty-three.      My  dear  Ina,  didn't  I  particularly 
notice.     It  was  twenty-three. 

MONONA 
[Like  lightning.'] 

I  want  my  milk  toast,  I  want  my  milk  toast,  I  want 
my  milk  toast. 

INA 

Do  hurry,  sister.     She's  going  to  get  nervous. 
[ MONONA  chants  her  chant.     Enter  LULU.] 

LULU 
I've  got  the  toast  here. 

[10] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

Did  you  burn  it? 

LULU 
Not  black. 

DWIGHT 

There  we  are.  Milk  toast  like  a  ku-ween.  Where  is 
our  young  lady  daughter  to-night? 

INA 
She's  at  Jenny  Plows,  at  a  teaparty. 

DWIGHT 
Oh  ho,  teaparty.     Is  it? 

LULU 
We  told  you  that  this  noon. 

DWIGHT 

[Frowning  at  LULU.] 
How  much  is  salmon  the  can  now,  Ina? 

INA 
How  much  is  it,  Lulu? 

LULU 

The  large  oijes  are  forty,  that  used  to  be  twenty-five. 
And  the  small  ones  that  were  ten,  they're  twenty- 
five.  The  butter's  about  all  gone.  Shall  I  wait 
for  the  butter  woman  or  get  some  creamery? 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Not  at  meal  time,  if  you  please,  Lulu.  The  conversa 
tion  at  my  table  must  not  deal  with  domestic 
matters. 

LULU 

I  suppose  salmon  made  me  think  of  butter. 

DWIGHT 

There  is  not  the  remotest  connection.  Salmon  comes 
from  a  river.  Butter  comes  from  a  cow.  A1  cow 
bears  no  relation  to  a  river.  A  cow  may  drink 
from  a  river,  she  may  do  that,  but  I  doubt  if  that 
was  in  your  mind  when  you  spoke — you're  not 
that  subtle. 

LULU 

No,  that  wasn't  in  my  mind. 
[Enter  MOTHER  BETT.] 

DWIGHT 
Well,  Mama  Bett,  hungry  now? 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I'm  not  hungry. 

INA 
We  put  a  potato  in  the  oven  for  you,  mama. 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I  thank  you. 

DWIGHT 
And  a  muffin,  Mama  Bett. 

[12] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I  thank  you. 

LULU 
Mama,  can't  I  fix  you  some  fresh  tea? 

MRS.  BETT 

That's  right,  Lulie.  You're  a  good  girl.  And  see 
that  you  put  in  enough  tea  so  as  a  body  can  taste 
tea  part  of  the  way  down. 

INA 
Sit  here  with  us,  mama. 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I  thank  you.     I'll  stand  and  keep  my  figger. 

DWIGHT 

You  know  you  look  like  a  queen  when  you  stand  up, 
straight  back,  high  head,  a  regular  wonder  for 
your  years,  you  are. 

MRS.  BETT 

Sometimes  I  think  you  try  to  flatter  me. 
[Sits.] 
[Doorbell.] 

MONONA 
I'll  go.    I'll  go.    Let  me  go. 

DWIGHT 

Now  what  can  anybody  be  thinking  of  to  call  just  at 
meal  time.  Can't  I  even  have  a  quiet  supper  with 
my  family  without  the  outside  world  clamoring? 

[13] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Maybe  that's  the  butter  woman. 

DWIGHT 
Lulu,  no  more  about  the  butter,  please. 

MONONA 

Come  on  in.  Here's  Bobby  to  see  you,  papa,  let's  feed 
him. 

DWIGHT 

Oh  ho!  So  I'm  the  favored  one.  Then  draw  up  to 
the  festive  board,  Robert.  A  baked  potato? 

BOBBY 
No,  sir.     I — I  wanted  something  else. 

DWIGHT 

What's  this?  Came  to  see  the  justice  about  getting 
married,  did  you?  Or  the  dentist  to  have  your 
tooth  pulled — eh?  Same  thing — eh,  Ina?  Ha! 
ha!  ha! 

BOBBY 

I — I  wondered  whether — I  thought  if  you  would  give 
me  a  job.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
So  that's  it. 

BOBBY 

I  thought  maybe  I  might  cut  the  grass  or  cut — cut 
something. 

EH] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

My  boy,  every  man  should  cut  his  own  grass.  Every 
man  should  come  home  at  night,  throw  off  his 
coat  and,  in  his  vigor,  cut  his  own  grass. 

BOBBY 
Yes,  sir. 

DWIGHT 

Exercise,  exercise  is  next  to  bread — next  to  gluten. 
Hold  on,  though — hold  on.  After  dental  hours 
I  want  to  begin  presently  to  work  my  garden. 
I  have  two  lots.  Property  is  a  burden.  Suppose 
you  cut  the  grass  on  the  one  lot  through  the 
spring. 

BOBBY 

Good  enough,  sir.  Can  I  start  right  in  now?  It 
isn't  dark  yet. 

DWIGHT 

That's  right,  that's  right.     Energy — it's  the  driving 
power  of  the  nation. 
[They  rise,  DWIGHT  goes  toward  the  door  with 

BOBBY.] 

Start  right  in,  by  all  means.     You'll  find  the  mower 
in  the  shed,  oiled  and  ready.    Tools  always  ready 
— that's  my  motto,  my  boy. 
[Enter  Di  and  CORNISH.     CORNISH  carries  many 

favors.] 
Ah  ha! 

[15] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Where  is  everybody  ?  Oh,  hullo,  Bobby!    You  came 
to  see  me? 

BOBBY 
Oh,  hullo!     No.     I  came  to  see  your  father. 

Di 
Did  you?    Well,  there  he  is.    Look  at  him. 

BOBBY 

You  don't  need  to  tell  me  where  to  look  or  what  to 
do.     Good-by.     I'll  find  the  mower,  Mr.  Deacon. 


DWIGHT 

Mama!  What  do  you  s'pose?  Di  thought  she  had 
a  beau  —  How  are  you,  Cornish? 

Di 

Oh,  papa!  Why,  I  just  hate  Bobby  Larkin,  and  the 
whole  school  knows  it.  Mama,  wasn't  Mr. 
Cornish  nice  to  help  carry  my  favors? 

INA 

Ah,  Mr.  Cornish  !  You  see  what  a  popular  little  girl 
we  have. 

CORNISH 

Yes,  I  suppose  so.  That  is  —  isn't  that  remarkable, 
Mrs.  Deacon? 

[He  tries  to  greet  LULU,  who  is  clewing  the 
table.] 

[16] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Oh,  papa,  the  sweetest  party — and  the  dearest  supper 
and  the  darlingest  decorations  and  the  georgeous- 
est Monona,  let  go  of  me ! 

DWIGHT 
Children,  children,  can't  we  have  peace  in  this  house? 

MONONA 
Ah,  you'll  catch  it  for  talking  so  smarty. 

Di 
Oh,  will  I? 

INA 

Monona,  don't  stand  listening  to  older  people.  Run 
around  and  play. 

[MONONA  runs  a  swift  circle  and  returns  to  her 
attitude  of  listener.'] 

CORNISH 
Pardon  me — this  is  Miss  Bett,  isn't  it? 

LULU 
I— Lulu  Bett,  yes. 

CORNISH 

I  had  the  pleasure  of  meeting  you  the  night  I  was 
here  for  supper. 

LULU 
I  didn't  think  you'd  remember. 

[17] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
Don't  you  think  I'd  remember  that  meat  pie? 

LULU 

Oh,  yes.     The  meat  pie.     You  might  remember  the 
meat  pie. 
[Exit,  carrying  plates.} 

CORNISH 
What  in  the  dickens  did  I  say  that  for? 

INA 

Oh,  Lulu  likes  it.     She's  a  wonderful  cook.     I  don't 
know  what  we  should  do  without  her. 

DWIGHT 
A  most  exemplary  woman  is  Lulu. 

INA 
That's  eggsemplary,  Dwightie. 

DWIGHT 
My  darling  little  dictionary. 

Di 

Mama,  Mr.  Cornish  and  I  have  promised  to  go  back 
to  help  Jenny. 

INA 

How  nice"!     And   Mr.   Cornish,  do  let  us  see  you 
oftener. 

DWIGHT 

Yes,  yes,  Cornish.     Drop  in.     Any  time,  you  know. 

[18] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
I'll  be  glad  to  come.    I  do  get  pretty  lonesome  evenings. 

[Enter  LULU,  clearing  table.] 
I  eat  out  around.     I  guess  that's  why  your  cooking 

made  such  an  impression  on  me,  Miss  Lulu. 

LULU 

Yes.     Yes.     I  s'pose  it  would  take  something  like 
that.  .  .  . 

CORNISH 

Oh,   no,   no!     I  didn't  mean — you  mustn't  think  I 
meant—     What'd  I  say  that  for? 

LULU 

Don't  mind.     They  always  say  that  to  me. 
[Exit  with  dishes.} 

Di 

Come  on,  Mr.  Cornish.    Jenny'll  be  waiting.    Monona, 
let  go  of  me! 

MONONA 
/  don't  want  you! 

DWIGHT 

Early,  darling,  early!     Get  her  back  here  early,  Mr. 
Cornish. 

CORNISH 

Oh,  I'll  have  her  back  here  as  soon  as  ever  she'll  come 
— well,  ah — I  mean.  .  .  . 

[19] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Good-by  Dwight  and  Ina! 
[Exit  Di  and  CORNISH.] 

DWIGHT 

Nice  fellow,  nice  fellow.  Don't  know  whether  he'll 
make  a  go  of  his  piano  store,  but  he's  studying 
law  evenings. 

INA 

But  we  don't  know  anything  about  him,  Dwight.  A 
stranger  so. 

DWIGHT 

On  the  contrary  I  know  a  great  deal  about  him.  I 
know  that  he  has  a  little  inheritance  coming  to 
him. 

INA 

An  inheritance — really?  I  thought  he  was  from  a 
good  family. 

DWIGHT 
My  mercenary  little  pussy. 

INA 

Well,  if  he  comes  here  so  very  much  you  know  what 
we  may  expect. 

DWIGHT 
What  may  we  expect? 

[20] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

He'll  fall  in  love  with  Di.  And  a  young  girl  is  awfully 
flattered  when  a  good-looking  older  man  pays  her 
attention.  Haven't  you  noticed  that? 

DWIGHT 

How  women  generalize!  My  dear  Ina,  I  have  other 
matters  to  notice. 

INA 
Monona.     Stop  listening!     Run  about  and  play. 

[MONONA  runs  her  circle  and  returns.] 
Well,  look  at  that  clock.     It's  almost  your  bedtime, 

anyway. 

[Enter  LULU.] 

MONONA 
No. 

INA 

It  certainly  is. 

MONONA 
That  clock's  wrong.     Papa  said  so. 

INA 
Mama  says  bedtime.    In  ten  minutes. 

MONONA 
I  won't  go  all  night. 

DWIGHT 
Daughter,  daughter,  daughter.  .  .  . 

[21] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

I  won't  go  for  a  week. 

[DWIGHT  sees  on  clock  shelf  a  letter.] 

INA 
Oh,  Dwight!     It  came  this  morning.     I  forgot 

LULU 
I  forgot  too.     And  I  laid  it  up  there. 

DWIGHT 
Isn't  it  understood  that  my  mail  can't  wait  like  this? 

LULU 
I  know.    I'm  sorry.    But  you  hardly  ever  get  a  letter. 

DWIGHT 
Of  course  pressing  matters  go  to  my  office.     Still  my 

mail  should  have  more  careful 

[He  reads.] 
Now!    What  do  you  think  I  have  to  tell  you? 

INA 
Oh,  Dwightie!     Something  nice? 

DWIGHT 
That  depends.    I'll  like  it.    So'll  Lulu.    It's  company. 

MONONA 
I  hope  they  bring  me  something  decent 

INA 
Oh,  Dwight,  who? 

[22] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DwiGHT 

My  brother,  from  Oregon. 

INA 
Ninian  coming  here? 

DWIGHT 

Some  day  next  week.    He  don't  know  what  a  charmer 
Lulu  is  or  he'd  come  quicker. 

INA 
Dwight,  it's  been  years  since  you've  seen  him. 

DWIGHT 
Nineteen — twenty.     Must  be  twenty. 

INA 
And  he's  never  seen  me. 

DWIGHT 
Nor  Lulu. 

INA 

And  think  where  he's  been.    South  America — Mexico 
— Panama  and  all.    We  must  put  it  in  the  paper. 

MRS.  BETT 

Who's  coming?     Why  don't  you  say  who's  coming? 
You  all  act  so  dumb. 

LULU 

It's  Dwight's  brother,   mother.     His  brother   from 
Oregon. 

[23] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Never  heard  of  him. 

LULU 

[Taking  photograph  from  shelf.] 
That  one,  mother.     You've  dusted  his  picture  lots  of 
times. 

MRS.  BETT 
That?     Got  to  have  him  around  long? 

DWIGHT 

I  don't  know.  Wait  till  he  sees  Lulu.  I  expect  when 
he  sees  Lulu  you  can't  drive  him  away.  He's 
going  to  take  one  look  at  Lulu  and  settle  down 
here  for  life.  He's  going  to  think  Lulu  is 

LULU 

I — think  the  tea  must  be  steeped  now. 
[Exit.] 

DWIGHT 
He's  going  to  think  Lulu  is  a  stunner — a  stunner.  .  .  . 

[The  clock  strikes.    MONONA  shrieks.] 
Is  the  progeny  hurt? 

INA 

Bedtime.     Now,  Monona,  be  mama's  nice  little  lady. 
.  .  .  Monona,   quiet,   pettie,   quiet.  .  .  . 
[LULU  enters  with  tea  and  toast.] 
Lulu,  won't  you  take  her  to  bed  ?    You  know  Dwight 
and  I  are  going  to  Study  Club. 
[24] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

There,  mother.     Yes.     I'll  take  her  to  bed.     Come, 
Monona.     And  stop  that  noise  instantly. 
[MONONA  stops.    As  they  cross  D WIGHT  spies  the 
tutip  on  LULU'S  gown.] 

DWIGHT 

Lulu.     One  moment.     You  picked  the  flower  on  the 
plant? 

LULU 
Yes.     I — picked  it. 

DWIGHT 
She  buys  a  hothouse  plant  and  then  ruins  it! 

LULU 

I— I 

[She  draws  MONONA  swiftly  left;  exeunt;  the 
door  slams.] 

DWIGHT 
What  a  pity  Lulu  hasn't  your  manners,  pettie. 

MRS.  BETT 
What  do  you  care?    She's  got  yours. 

DWIGHT 
Mother  Bett!     Fare  thee  well. 

MRS.  BETT 
How  do  you  stand  him?    The  lump! 

[25] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

Mama    dear,    now    drink    your    tea.      Good-night, 
sweetie. 

MRS.  BETT 

You  needn't  think  I  forgot  about  the  platter,  because 
I  ain't.     Of  all  the  extravagant  doin's,  courtin' 

the  poorhouse 

[Exeunt  DWIGHT  and  INA.  MRS.  BETT  con 
tinues  to  look  after  them,  her  lips  moving.  'At 
rdoor  appears  BOBBY.] 

BOBBY 
Where's  Mr.  Deacon? 

MRS.  BETT 
Gone,  thank  the  Lord! 

BOBBY 
I've  got  the  grass  cut. 

MRS.  BETT 
You  act  like  it  was  a  trick. 

BOBBY 
Is — is  everybody  gone? 

MRS.  BETT 
Who's  this  you're  talkin'  to? 

BOBBY 

Yes,  well,  I  meant — I  guess  I'll  go  now. 
[Enter  Di.] 

[26] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Well,  Bobby  Larkin.     Are  you  cutting  grass  in  the 
dining  room? 

BOBBY 

No,  ma'am,  I  was  not  cutting  grass  in  the  dining  room. 
[Enter  LULU,  collects  her  mother's  dishes,  folds 
cloth  and  watches.] 

Di 

I  used  to  think  you  were  pretty  nice,  but  I  don't  like 
you  any  more. 

BOBBY 

Yes  you  used  to!     Is  that  why  you  made  fun  of  me 
all  the  time? 

Di 
I  had  to.    They  all  were  teasing  me  about  you. 

BOBBY 
They  were?    Teasing  you  about  me? 

Di 

I  had  to  make  them  stop  so  I  teased  you.     I  never 
wanted  to. 

BOBBY 
Well,  I  never  thought  it  was  anything  like  that. 

Di 
Of  course  you  didn't.     I — wanted  to  tell  you. 

[27] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 
BOBBY 


You  wanted- 


Di 

Of  course  I  did.  You  must  go  now — they're  hearing 
us. 

BOBBY 
Say 

Di 

Good-night.  Go  the  back  way,  Bobby — you  nice  thing. 
[Exit  BOBBY.] 

Aunt  Lulu,  give  me  the  cookies,  please,  and  the  apples. 
Mr.  Cornish  is  on  the  front  porch  .  .  .  mama 
and  papa  won't  be  home  till  late,  will  they? 

LULU 
I  don't  think  so. 

Di 

Well,  I'll  see  to  the  hall  light.  Don't  you  bother. 
Good-night. 

LULU 

Good-night,  Di. 
[Exit  Di.] 

MRS.  BETT 
My  land !    How  she  wiggles  and  chitters. 

LULU 
Mother,  could  you  hear  them  ?    Di  and  Bobby  Larkin  ? 

[28] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Mother  hears  a-plenty. 

LULU 

How  easy  she  done  it  ...  got  him  right  over  .  .  . 
how  did  she  do  that? 

MRS.  BETT 
Di  wiggles  and  chitters. 

LULU 

It  was  just  the  other  day  I  taught  her  to  sew  ...   I 
wonder  if  Ina  knows. 

MRS.  BETT 

What's  the  use  of  you  fmdin'  fault  with  Inie?  Where'd 
you  been  if  she  hadn't  married  I'd  like  to  know? 
.    .    .    What  say?  ...    eh?    ...    I'm  goin'  to 
bed.  .  .  .  You  always  was  jealous  of  Inie. 
[Exit  MRS.  BETT.] 

[LULU  crosses  to  shelf,  takes  down  photograph 
of  NINIAN  DEACON,  holds  it,  looks  at  it.] 

CURTAIN 


SCENE  n 

SAME  SET.  Late  afternoon.  A  week  later.  The 
table  is  cleared  of  dishes,  and  has  an  oilcloth 
cover.  BOBBY  is  discovered  outside  the  window, 
on  whose  sill  Di  is  sitting. 

BOBBY 
So  you  despise  me  for  cutting  grass? 

Di 

No,  I  don't.  But  if  you're  going  to  be  a  great  man 
why  don't  you  get  started  at  it? 

BOBBY 

I  am  started  at  it — inside.  But  it  don't  earn  me  a  cent 
yet. 

Di 

Bobby,  Bobby!  I  know  you're  great  now,  don't  you 
ever  think  I  don't,  but  I  want  everybody  else  to 
know. 

BOBBY 

Di,  when  you  said  that  it  sounded  just  like  a — a  you 
know. 

Di 
Like  what? 

BOBBY 
Like  a  wife.     Gee,  what  a  word  that  is! 

[30] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Isn't  it?    It's  ever  so  much  more  exciting  word  than 
husband. 

[Enter  LULU,  followed  by  MONONA.  LULU 
carries  bowl,  pan  of  apples,  paring  knife. 
MONONA  carries  basket  of  apples  and  a  towel. 
As  LULU  rattles  dishes,  Di  turns,  sees  LULU. 
BOBBY  disappears  from  window. ,] 

Di 

There's  never  any  privacy  in  this  house. 
[Exit  Di.]   ' 

LULU 

Hurry,  Monona,  I  must  make  the  pies  before  I  get 
dinner.     Now  wipe  every  one. 

MONONA 
What  for? 

LULU 
To  make  the  pies. 

MONONA 
What  do  you  want  to  make  pies  for? 

LULU 
To  eat. 

MONONA 
What  do  you  want  to  eat  for? 

LULU 
To  grow  strong — and  even  sensible. 

[31] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

It's  no  fun  asking  you  a  string  of  questions.  You 
never  get  mad.  Mama  gets  good  and  mad. 
So  does  papa. 

LULU 
Then  why  do  you  ask  them  questions? 

MONONA 
Oh,  I  like  to  get  them  going. 

LULU 
Monona ! 

MONONA 
I  told  mama  I  didn't  pass,  just  so  I  could  hear  her. 

LULU 
Why,  Monona! 

MONONA 

Then  when  I  told  her  I  did  pass,  she  did  it  again. 
When  she's  mad  she  makes  awful  funny  faces. 

LULU 
You  love  her,  don't  you,  Monona? 

MONONA 

I  love  her  best  when  there's  company.  If  there  was 
always  company,  I'd  always  love  her.  Isn't  she 
sweet  before  Uncle  Ninian  though? 

[32] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I — I  don't  know.     Monona,  you  mustn't  talk  so. 

MONONA 

He's  been  here  a  week  and  mama  hasn't  been  cross 
once.    Want  to  know  what  he  said  about  you? 

LULU 
I — did  he — did  he  say  anything  about  me? 

MONONA 

He  told  papa  you  were  the  best  cook  he'd  ever  ate. 
Said  he'd  et  a  good  many. 

LULU 
The  cooking.     It's  always  the  cooking. 

MONONA 
He  said  some  more,  but  I  can't  remember. 

LULU 
Monona,  what  else  did  he  say? 

MONONA 
I  don't  know. 

LULU 
Try.  .  .  . 

MONONA 

Here  he  is  now.    Ask  him  to  his  face.    Hullo,  Uncle 
Ninian !    Good-by. 
[Exit  MONONA.    Enter  NINIAN.] 

[33] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Hello,  kitten!    Ask  him  what?    What  do  you  want 

to  ask  him? 

LULU 
I — I  think  I  was  wondering  what  kind  of  pies  you 

like  best. 

NlNIAN 

That' s  easy.  I  like  your  kind  of  pies  best.  The  best 
ever.  Every  day  since  I've  been  here  I've  seen 
you  baking,  Mrs.  Bett. 

LULU 
Yes,  I — bake.    What  did  you  call  me  then? 

NlNIAN 

Mrs.  Bett — isn't  it?  Every  one  says  just  Lulu,  but 
I  took  it  for  granted.  .  .  .  Well,  now — is  it  Mrs.  ? 
or  Miss  Lulu  Bett? 

LULU 
It's  Miss.  .  .  .  From  choice. 

NlNIAN 

You  bet!    Oh,  you  bet!     Never  doubted  that 

LULU 
What  kind  of  a  Mr.  are  you? 

NlNIAN 

Never  give  myself  away.  Say,  by  George,  I  never 
thought  of  that  before.  There's  no  telling 
whether  a  man's  married  or  not,  by  his  name. 

[34] 


MISS  LULU  BETI 

LULU 
It  doesn't  matter. 

NlNIAN 

Why? 

LULU 
Not  so  many  people  want  to  know. 

NlNIAN 

Say,  you're  pretty  good,  aren't  you? 

LULU 
If  I  am  it  never  took  me  very  far. 

NlNIAN 

Where  you  been  mostly? 

LULU 

Here.    I've  always  been  here.    Fifteen  years  with  Ina. 
Before  that  we  lived  in  the  country. 

NlNIAN 

Never  been  anywhere  much? 

LULU 
Never  been  anywhere  at  all. 

NlNIAN 

H  .  .  .  m.    Well,  I  want  to  tell  you  something  about 
yourself. 

LULU 
About  me? 

[35] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Something  that  I'll  bet  you  don't  even  know.  It's 
this :  I  think  you  have  it  pretty  hard  around  here. 

LULU 
Oh,  no! 

NlNIAN 

See  here.  Do  you  have  to  work  like  this  all  the  time  ? 
I  guess  you  won't  mind  my  asking. 

LULU 

But  I  ought  to  work.  I  have  a  home  with  them. 
Mother  too. 

NlNIAN 

But  glory !  You  ought  to  have  some  kind  of  a  life  of 
your  own. 

LULU 
How  could  I  do  that? 

NlNIAN 

A  man  don't  even  know  what  he's  like  till  he's  roamed 
around  on  his  own.  .  .  .  Roamed  around  on  his 
own.  Course  a  woman  don't  understand  that. 

LULU 
Why  don't  she?    Why  don't  she? 

NlNIAN 

Do  you? 

[LULU  nods."\ 
I've  had  twenty-five  years  of  galloping  about — Brazil, 

Mexico,  Panama. 

[36] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
My! 

NlNIAN 

It's  the  life. 

LULU 
Must  be.     I 

NlNIAN 

Yes,  you.    Why,  you've  never  had  a  thing!    I  guess 
you  don't  know  how  it  seems  to  me,  coming  along 
stranger  so.     I  don't  like  it. 


LULU 
They're  very  good  to  me. 

NlNIAN 

Do  you  know  why  you  think  that?  Because  you've 
never  had  anybody  really  good  to  you.  That's 
why. 

LULU 

But  they  treat  me  good. 

NlNIAN 

They  make  a  slavey  of  you.  Regular  slavey.  Damned 
shame  /  call  it. 

LULU 
But  we  have  our  whole  living 

NlNIAN 

And  you  earn  it.  I  been  watching  you  ever  since  I've 
been  here.  Don't  you  ever  go  anywhere? 

[37] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh,  no,  I  don't  go  anywhere.     I 

NlNIAN 

Lord!    Don't  you  want  to?    Of  course  you  do. 

LULU 

Of  course  I'd  like  to  get  clear  away — or  I  used  to 
want  to. 

NlNIAN 

Say — you've  been  a  blamed  fine-looking  woman. 

LULU 
You  must  have  been  a  good-looking  man  once  yourself. 

NlNIAN 

You're  pretty  good.     I  don't  see  how  you  do  it — • 
darned  if  I  do. 

LULU 
How  I  do  what? 

NlNIAN 

Why  come  back,  quick  like  that,  with  what  you  say. 
You  don't  look  it. 

LULU 
It  must  be  my  grand  education. 

NlNIAN 

Education :  I  ain't  never  had  it  and  I  ain't  never  missed 
it. 

[38] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Most  folks  are  happy  without  an  education. 

NlNIAN 

You're  not  very  happy,  though. 

LULU 
Oh,  no. 

NlNIAN 

Well  you  ought  to  get  up  and  get  out  of  here — find — 
find  some  work  you  like  to  do. 

LULU 

But,  you  see,  I  can't  do  any  other  work — that's  the 
trouble — women  like  me  can't  do  any  other  work. 

NlNIAN 

But  you  make  this  whole  house  go  round. 

LULU 
If  I  do,  nobody  knows  it. 

NlNIAN 

I  know  it.     I  hadn't  been  in  the  house  twenty-four 
hours  till  I  knew  it. 

LULU 

You  did?    You  thought  that.  .  .  .  Yes,  well  if  I  do 
I  hate  making  it  go  round. 

NlNIAN 

See  here — couldn't  you  tell  me  a  little  bit  about — what 
you'd  like  to  do?    If  you  had  your  own  way? 

[39] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I  don't  know — now. 

NlNIAN 

What  did  you  ever  think  you'd  like  to  do? 

LULU 

Take  care  of  folks  that  needed  me.  I — I  mean  sick 
folks  or  old  folks  or — like  that.  Take  care  of 
them.  Have  them — have  them  want  me. 

NlNIAN 

By  George!     You're  a  wonder. 

LULU 
Am  I?     Ask  Dwight. 

NlNIAN 

Dwight.  I  could  knock  the  top  of  his  head  off  the  way 
he  speaks  to  you.  I'd  like  to  see  you  get  out  of 
this,  I  certainly  would. 

LULU 
I  can't  get  out.    I'll  never  get  out — now. 

NlNIAN 

Don't  keep  saying  "now"  like  that.  You — you  put 
me  out  of  business,  darned  if  you  don't. 

LULU 

Oh,  I  don't  mean  to  feel  sorry  for  myself — you  stop 
making  me  feel  sorry  for  myself ! 

[40] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

I  know  one  thing — I'm  going  to  give  Dwight  Deacon 
a  chunk  of  my  mind. 

LULU 

Oh,  no!  no!  no!  I  wouldn't  want  you  to  do  that. 
Thank  you. 

NlNIAN 

Well,  somebody  ought  to  do  something.  See  here — 
while  I'm  staying  around  you  know  you've  got 
a  friend  in  me,  don't  you? 

LULU 
Do  I? 

NlNIAN 

You  bet  you  do. 

LULU 
Not  just  my  cooking? 

NlNIAN 

Oh,  come  now — why,  I  liked  you  the  first  moment 
I  saw  you. 

LULU 
Honest  ? 

NlNIAN 

Go  on — go  on.    Did  you  like  me? 

LULU 
Now  you're  just  being  polite. 

[41] 


[MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Say,  I  wish  there  was  some  way 

LULU 
Don't  you  bother  about  me. 

NlNIAN 

I  wish  there  was  some  way 

[MONONA'S  voice  chants.} 
[Enter  MONONA.] 

MONONA 

You've  had  him  long  enough,  Aunt  Lulu Can't 

you  pay  me  some  'tention? 

NlNIAN 

Come  here.  Give  us  a  kiss.  My  stars,  what  a  great 
big  tall  girl!  Have  to  put  a  board  on  her  head 
to  stop  this  growing. 

MONONA 

[Seeing  diamond.} 
What's  that? 

NlNIAN 

That  diamond  came  from  Santa  Claus.  He  has  a 
jewelry  shop  in  heaven.  I  have  twenty  others 
like  this  one.  I  keep  the  others  to  wear  on  the 
Sundays  when  the  sun  comes  up  in  the  west. 

MONONA 

Does  the  sun  ever  come  up  in  the  west? 

[42] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Sure — on  my  honor.  Some  day  I'm  going  to  melt  a 
diamond  and  eat  it.  Then  you  sparkle  all  over 
in  the  dark,  ever  after.  I'm  going  to  plant  one 
too,  some  day.  Then  you  can  grow  a  diamond 
vine.  Yes,  on  my  honor. 

LULU 
Don't  do  that — don't  do  that. 

NlNIAN 

What? 

LULU 
To  her.    That's  lying. 

NlNIAN 

Oh,  no.  That's  not  lying.  That's  just  drama.  Drama, 
Do  you  like  going  to  a  good  show? 

LULU 
I've  never  been  to  any — only  those  that  come  here. 

NlNIAN 

Think  of  that  now.    Don't  you  ever  go  to  the  city? 

LULU 
I  haven't  been  in  six  years  and  over. 

NlNIAN 

Well,  sir,  I'll  tell  you  what  I'm  going  to  do  with  you. 
While  I'm  here  I'm  going  to  take  you  and  Ina 
and  Dwight  up  to  the  city,  to  see  a  show. 
[43]   ' 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh,  you  don't  want  me  to  go. 

NlNIAN 

Yes,  sir,  I'll  give  you  one  good  time.     Dinner  and  a 

show. 

LULU 
Ina  and  Dwight  do  that  sometimes.     I  can't  imagine 

me. 

NlNIAN 

Well,  you're  coming  with  me.  I'll  look  up  something 
good.  And  you  tell  me  just  what  you  like  to  eat 
and  we'll  order  it 

LULU 

It's  been  years  since  I've  eaten  anything  that  I  haven't 
cooked  myself. 

NlNIAN 

It  has.  Say,  by  George!  why  shouldn't  we  go  to  the 
city  to-night. 

LULU 
To-night? 

NlNIAN 

Yes.  If  Dwight  and  Ina  will.  It's  early  yet.  What 
do  you  say? 

LULU 

You  sure  you  want  me  to  go?  Why — I  don't  know 
whether  I've  got  anything  I  could  wear. 

[44] 


MISS  LULU  BEIT 

NlNIAN 

Sure  you  have. 

LULU 

I — yes,  I  have.  I  could  wear  the  waist  I  always 
thought  they'd  use — if  I  died. 

NlNIAN 

Sure  you  could  wear  that.  Just  the  thing.  And  throw 
some  things  in  a  bag — it'll  be  too  late  to  come 
back  to-night.  Now  don't  you  back  out  .  .  . 

LULU 
Oh,  the  pies 

NlNIAN 

Forget  the  pies — well,  no,  I  wouldn't  say  that.  But 
hustle  them  up. 

LULU 
Oh,  maybe  Ina  wont  go.  ... 

NlNIAN 

Leave  Ina  to  me. 
[Exit  NINIAN.] 

LULU 

Mother,  mother !  Monona,  put  the  rest  of  those  apples 
back  in  the  basket  and  carry  them  out. 

MONONA 
Yes,  Aunt  Lulu. 

[45l 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  can't  get  ready.    They'll  leave  me  behind.    Mother ! 
Hurry,  Monona.    We  mustn't  leave  such  a  look 
ing  house.     Mother!     Monona,  don't  you  drop 
those  apples. 
[ MONONA  drops  them  all.] 

My  heavens,  my  pies  aren't  in  the  oven  yet. 
[Enter  MRS.  BETT.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Who  wants  their  mother? 

LULU 
Mother,  please  pick  up  these  things  for  me — quick. 

MRS.  BETT 
[Leisurely] 
What  is  the  rush,  Lulie? 

LULU 

Mother,  Mr.  Deacon — Ninian,  you  know — wants  Ina 
and  Dwight  and  me  to  go  to  the  theater  to-night 
in  the  city. 

MRS.  BETT 

Does,  does  he  ?  Well,  you  mind  me,  Lulie,  and  go  on. 
It'll  do  you  good. 

LULU 

Yes,  mother.     I  will. 
[Exit  with  pies.] 

[46] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

No  need  breaking  everybody's  neck  off,  though,  as  I 
know  of.    Monona,  get  out  from  under  my  feet. 

MONONA 

Grandma,  compared  between  what  I  am,  you  are  noth 
ing. 

MRS.  BETT 
What  do  you  mean — little  ape? 

MONONA 

It's  no   fun   to   get  you   going.     You're  too  easy,! 
grandma  dear ! 
[Exit.    Enter  NINIAN.] 

NlNIAN 

All  right — Dwight  and  Ina  are  game.    Oh,  Mrs.  Bett ! 
Won't  you  come  to  the  theater  with  us  to-night? 

MRS.  BETT 

No.     I'm  fooled  enough  without  fooling  myself  on 
purpose.     But  Lulie  can  go. 

NINIAN 
You  don't  let  her  go  too  much,  do  you,  Mrs.  Bett? 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  I  ain't  never  let  her  go  to  the  altar  if  that's 
what  you  mean. 

NINIAN 

Don't  you  think  she'd  be  better  off? 

[47] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

Wouldn't  make  much  difference.  Why  look  at  me. 
A  husband,  six  children,  four  of  'em  under  the 
sod  with  him.  And  sometimes  I  feel  as  though 
nothin'  more  had  happened  to  me  than  has  hap 
pened  to  Lulie.  It's  all  gone.  For  me  just  the 
same  as  for  her.  Only  she  ain't  had  the  pain. 
[Yawns.} 

What  was  I  talkin'  about  just  then? 

NlNIAN 

Why — why — er,  we  were  talking  about  going  to  the 

theater. 

MRS.  BETT 
Going  to  the  theater,  are  you? 

[Enter  LULU.] 

NlNIAN 

It's  all  right,  Miss  Lulu.  They'll  go — both  of  them. 
Dwight  is  telephoning  for  the  seats. 

LULU 
I  was  wondering  why  you  should  be  so  kind  to  me. 

NlNIAN 

Kind  ?  Why,  this  is  for  my  own  pleasure,  Miss  Lulu. 
That's  what  I  think  of  mostly. 

LULU 

But  just  see.  It's  so  wonderful.  Half  an  hour  ago 
I  never  thought  I'd  be  going  to  the  city  now — 
with  you  all.  ... 

[48] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

I'm  an  impulsive  cuss  you'll  find,  Miss  Lulu. 

LULU 
But  this  is  so  wonderful.  .  .  . 

[Enter  IN  A.] 
Ina,  isn't  it  beautiful  that  we're  going? 

INA 
Oh,  are  you  going  ? 

NlNIAN 

Of  course  she's  going.    Great  snakes,  why  not? 

INA 
Only  that  Lulu  never  goes  anywhere. 

NlNIAN 

Whose  fault  is  that? 

LULU 
Just  habit.     Pure  habit. 

NlNIAN 

Pure  cussedness  somewhere.  Miss  Lulu,  now  you  go 
and  get  ready  and  Ina  and  I'll  finish  straightening 
up  here. 

LULU 
Oh,  I'll  finish. 

NlNIAN 

Go  and  get  ready.    I  want  to  see  that  waist. 

[49] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh,  but  I  don't  need  to  go  yet 

NlNIAN 

Ina,  you  tell  her  to  go 

INA 

Well,  but  Lulu,  you  aren't  going  to  bother  to  change 
your  dress,  are  you  ?  You  can  slip  something  on 
over. 

LULU 
If  you  think  this  would  do 

NlNIAN 

It  will  not  do.    Not  for  my  party! 
[Shuts  the  door  upon  her.] 

INA 

How  in  the  world  did  you  ever  get  Lulu  to  go,  Ninian  ? 
We  never  did. 

NINIAN 
It  was  very  simple.     I  invited  her. 

INA 
Oh,  you  mean 

NINIAN 
I  invited  her. 

[Doorbell  rings.] 
Shall  I  answer  it? 

[50] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Will  you,  please? 

[Exit  NINIAN.. 
Mother,  have  you  seen  Di  anywhere? 

MRS.  BETT 

I  ain't  done  nothing  but  see  her. 
[Motions  to  window.] 

INA 

[At  window."] 

Forevermore.  That  Larkin  boy  again.  Di!  Diana 
Deacon!  Come  here  at  once. 

Di's  VOICE 
Yes,  mama. 

[At  window.] 
Want  me? 

INA 

I  want  you  to  stop  making  a  spectacle  of  me  before 
the  neighborhood. 

Di 
Of  you! 

INA 

Certainly.  What  will  people  think  of  me  if  they  see 
you  talking  with  Robert  Larkin  the  whole  after 
noon? 

Di 
We  weren't  thinking  about  you,  mummy. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

No.    You  never  do  think  about  me.     Nobody  thinks 
about  me.    And  mama  does  try  so  hard 

Di 

Oh,  mama,   I've  heard  you  say  that  fifty  hundred 
times. 

INA 

And  what  impression  does  it  make  ?    None.  .  .  .  No 
body  listens  to  me.     Nobody. 
[Enter  NINIAN  and  CORNISH.] 

NlNIAN 

All  right  to  bring  him  in  here? 

INA 
Oh,  Mr.  Cornish!  how  very  nice  to  see  you. 

CORNISH 

Good  afternoon,  Mrs.  Deacon.     How  are  you,  Miss 
Di? 

NINIAN 

I've  just  been  asking  Mr.  Cornish  if  he  won't  join  us 
to-night  for  dinner  and  the  show. 

INA 
Oh,  Mr.  Cornish,  do — we'd  be  so  glad. 

CORNISH 

Why,  why,  if  that  wouldn't  be 

[52] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

You're  invited,  Di,  you  know. 

Di 

Me?  Oh,  how  heavenly!  Oh,  but  I've  an  engage 
ment  with  Bobby 

INA 

But  I'm  sure  you'd  break  that  to  go  with  Uncle  Ninian 
and  Mr.  Cornish. 

Di 
Well,  I'd  break  it  to  go  to  the  theater 

INA 
Why,  Di  Deacon! 

Di 

Oh,  of  course  to  go  with  Uncle  Ninian  and  Mr. 
Cornish. 

CORNISH 

This  is  awfully  good  of  you.  I  dropped  in  because 
I  got  so  lonesome  I  didn't  know  what  else  to  do — 
that  is,  I  mean.  .  .  . 

NINIAN 
We  get  it.    We  get  it. 

INA 

We'd  love  to  see  you  any  time,  Mr.  Cornish.  Now 
if  you'll  excuse  Di  and  me  one  minute. 

[53] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Uncle  Ninian,  you're  a  lamb. 
[Exeunt  Di  and  INA.] 

MRS.  BETT 
I'm  just  about  the  same  as  I  was. 

CORNISH 
What— er— oh,  Mrs.  Bett,  I  didn't  see  you. 

MRS.  BETT 

I  don't  complain.  But  it  wouldn't  turn  my  head  if 
some  of  you  spoke  to  me  once  in  a  while.  Say — 
can  you  tell  me  what  these  folks  are  up  to? 

CORNISH 
Up  to  ...  up  to? 

MRS.  BETT 

Yes.  They're  all  stepping  round  here,  up  to  some 
thing.  I  don't  know  what. 

NINIAN 

Why,  Mrs.  Bett,  we're  going  to  the  city  to  the  theater, 
you  know. 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  why  didn't  you  say  so? 
[Enter  DWIGHT.] 

DWIGHT 

Ha !  Everybody  ready  ?  Well,  well,  well,  well.  How 
are  you,  Cornish  ?  You  going  too,  Ina  says. 

[54] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
Yes,  I  thought  I  might  as  well.     I  mean 

DWIGHT 
That's  right,  that's  right.     Mama  Bett.     Look  here! 

MRS.  BETT 
-  What's  that? 

DWIGHT 

Ice  cream — it's  ice  cream.     Who  is  it  sits  home  and 
has  ice  cream  put  in  her  lap  like  a  ku-ween? 

MRS.  BETT 
Vanilly  or  chocolate  ? 

DWIGHT 
Chocolate,  Mama  Bett. 

MRS.  BETT 

Vanilly  sets  better.  .  .  .  I'll  put  it  in  the  ice  chest — I 
may  eat  it. 

[Takes  spoon  from  sideboard.     Exit.     CORNISH 
goes  with  her.] 

DWIGHT 
Where's  the  lovely  Lulu? 

NlNIAN 

She'll  be  here  directly. 

DWIGHT 

Now  what  I  want  to  know,  Nin,  is  how  you've  hypno 
tized  the  lovely  Lulu  into  this  thing. 

[55] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Into  going  ?  Dwight,  I'll  tell  you  about  that.  I  asked 
her  to  go  with  us.  Do  you  get  it?  I  invited  the 
woman. 

DWIGHT 

Ah,  but  with  a  way — with  a  way.  She's  never  been 
anywhere  like  this  with  us.  ...  Well,  Nin,  how 
does  it  seem  to  see  me  settled  down  into  a  re 
spectable  married  citizen  in  my  own  town — eh? 

NlNIAN 

Oh — you  seem  just  like  yourself. 

DWIGHT 

Yes,  yes.  I  don't  change  much.  Don't  feel  a  day 
older  than  I  ever  did. 

NlNIAN 

And  you  don't  act  it. 

DWIGHT 

Eh,  you  wouldn't  think  it  to  look  at  us,  but  our  aunt 
had  her  hands  pretty  full  bringing  us  up.  Nin, 
we  must  certainly  run  up  state  and  see  Aunt 
Mollie  while  you're  here.  She  isn't  very  well. 

NlNIAN 

I  don't  know  whether  I'll  have  time  or  not. 

[56] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Nin,  I  love  that  woman.     She's  an  angel.     When  I 
think  of  her  I  feel — I  give  you  my  word — I  feel 
like  somebody  else. 
[Enter  MRS.  BETT  and  CORNISH.] 

NlNIAN 

Nice  old  lady. 

MRS.  BETT 
Who's  a  nice  old  lady? 

DWIGHT 

You,  Mama  Bett!  Who  else  but  you— eh?  Well, 
now,  Nin,  what  about  you.  You've  been  saying 
mighty  little  about  yourself.  What's  been  hap 
pening  to  you,  anyway? 

NlNIAN 

That's  the  question. 

DWIGHT 
Traveling  mostly — eh? 

NlNIAN 

Yes,  traveling  mostly. 

DWIGHT 

I  thought  Ina  and  I  might  get  over  to  the  other  side 
this  year,  but  I  guess  not — I  guess  not. 

MRS.  BETT 
Pity  not  to  have  went  while  the  going  was  good.       ~~ 

[57] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

What's  that,  Mama  Bett? 

[Enter  LULU.] 
Ah,  the  lovely  Lulu.     She  comes,  she  comes!     My 

word  what  a  costoom.    And  a  coiifure. 

LULU 
Thank  you.     How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Cornish? 

CORNISH 

How  do  you  do,  Miss  Lulu  ?    You  see  they're  taking 
me  along  too. 

LULU 

That's  nice.    But,  Mr.  Deacon,  I'm  afraid  I  can't  go 
after  all.     I  haven't  any  gloves. 

NlNIAN 

No  backing  out  now. 

DWIGHT 
Can't  you  wear  some  old  gloves  of  Ina's? 

LULU 

No,  no.    Ina's  gloves  are  too  fat  for  me — I  mean  too 
— mother,  how  does  this  hat  look? 

MRS.  BETT 

You'd  ought  to  know  how  it  looks,  Lulie.    YouVe  had 
it  on  your  head  for  ten  years,  hand-running. 

[58] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

And  I  haven't  any  theater  cape.     I  couldn't  go  with 
my  jacket  and  no  gloves,  could  I? 

DWIGHT 
Now  why  need  a  charmer  like  you  care  about  clothes ! 

LULU 
I  wouldn't  want  you  gentlemen  to  be  ashamed  of  me. 

CORNISH 
Why,  Miss  Lulu,  you  look  real  neat. 

MRS.  BETT 

Act  as  good  as  you  look,  Lulie.     You  mind  me  and 
go  on. 
[Enter  INA.] 

DWIGHT 

Ha!    All  ready  with  our  hat  on!    For  a  wonder,  all 
ready  with  our  hat  on. 

INA 
That  isn't  really  necessary,  Dwight. 

LULU 

Ina,  I  wondered — I  thought  about  your  linen  duster. 
Would  it  hurt  if  I  wore  that? 

DWIGHT 
The  new  one? 

[59] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh  no,  no.     The  old  one. 

INA 

Why  take  it,  Lulu,  yes,  certainly.     Get  it,  Dwightie, 
there  in  the  hall. 
[D WIGHT  goes.] 

CORNISH 

Miss  Lulu,  with  all  the  solid  virtues  you've  got,  you 
don't  need  to  think  for  a  moment  of  how  you  look. 

LULU 

Now  you're  remembering  the  meat  pie  again,  aren't 
you? 
[Enter  D  WIGHT.] 

DWIGHT 

Now !  The  festive  opera  cloak.  Allow  me !  My 
word,  what  a  picture !  Lulu  the  charmer  dressed 
for  her  deboo  into  society,  eh? 

NlNIAN 

Dwight,  shut  your  head.  I  want  you  to  understand 
this  is  Miss  Lulu  Bett's  party — and  if  she  says  to 
leave  you  home,  we'll  do  it. 

D'WIGHT 

Ah,  ha!     An  understanding  between  these  two. 

CORNISH 
Well,  Miss  Lulu,  7  think  you're  just  fine  anyway. 

[60] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Oh,  thank  you.     Thank  you.  .  .  . 
[Enter  Di.] 

INA 
All  ready,  darling? 

Di 

All  ready — and  so  excited!  Isn't  it  exciting,  Mr. 
Cornish  ? 

DWIGHT 

Bless  me  if  the  whole  family  isn't  assembled.  Now 
isn't  this  pleasant !  Ten — let  me  see — twelve  min 
utes  before  we  need  set  out.  Then  the  city  and 
dinner — not  just  Lulu's  cooking,  but  dinner !  By 
a  chef. 

INA 
That's  sheff,  Dwightie.    Not  cheff. 

DWIGHT 

[Indicating  INA.] 

Little  crusty  to-night.  Pettie,  your  hat's  just  a  little 
mite — no,  over  the  other  way. 

INA 

Was  there  anything  to  prevent  your  speaking  of  that 
before? 

LULU 

Ina,  that  hat's  ever  so  much  prettier  than  the  old  one. 

[61] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
I  never  saw  anything  the  matter  with  the  old  one. 

DWIGHT 

She'll  be  all  right  when  we  get  started — out  among  the 
bright  lights.  Adventure — adventure  is  what  the 
woman  wants.  I'm  too  tame  for  her. 

INA 
Idiot. 

[Back  at  window,  BOBBY  LARKIN  appears.     Di 
slips  across  to  him.] 

MRS.  BETT 

I  s'pose  you  all  think  I  like  being  left  sitting  here  stark 
alone? 

NlNIAN 

Why,  Mrs.  Bett- 

INA 
Why,  mama 

LULU 
Oh,  mother,  I'll  stay  with  you. 

DWIGHT 

Oh,  look  here,  if  she  really  minds  staying  alone  I'll 
stay  with  her. 

MRS.  BETT 
Where  you  going  anyway? 

[623 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
The  theater,  mama. 

MRS.  BETT 
First  I've  heard  of  it. 

rMoNONA  is  heard  chanting.] 

INA 
You'll  have  Monona  with  you,  mama. 

[MRS.  BETT  utters  one  note  of  laughter,  thin  and 

high. 
[Enter  MONONA.] 

MONONA 
Where  you  going? 

INA 

The  city,  dear. 

[ MONONA  cries.] 
Now  quiet,  pettie,  quiet • 

MONONA 

You've  all  got  to  bring  me  something.    And  I'm  going 
to  sit  up  and  eat  it,  too. 

MRS.  BETT 
Come  here,  you  poor,  neglected  child. 

[Throughout  the  following  scene  MRS.  BETT  is 
absorbed  with  MONONA,  and  Di  with  BOBBY.] 

DWIGHT 
What's  Lulu  the  charmer  so  still  for,  eh? 

[63] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  was  thinking  how  nice  it  is  to  be  going  off  with  you 
all  like  this. 

DWIGHT 

Such  a  moment  advertises  to  the  single  the  joys  of 
family  life  as  Ina  and  I  live  it. 

INA 
It's  curious  that  you've  never  married,  Ninian. 

NlNIAN 

Don't  say  it  like  that.  Maybe  I  have.  Or  maybe  I 
will. 

DWIGHT 

She  wants  everybody  to  marry  but  she  wishes  she 
hadn't. 

INA 
Do  you  have  to  be  so  foolish  ? 

DWIGHT 

Hi — better  get  started  before  she  makes  a  scene.  It's 
too  early  yet,  though.  Well — Lulu,  you  dance  on 
the  table. 

INA 
Why,  Dwight? 

DWIGHT 

Got  to  amuse  ourselves  somehow.  They'll  begin  to 
read  the  funeral  service  over  us. 

[64] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Why  not  the  wedding  service? 

DWIGHT 
Ha,  ha,  ha! 

NlNIAN 

I  shouldn't  object.     Should  you,  Miss  Lulu? 

LULU 
I — I  don't  know  it  so  I  can't  say  it. 

NlNIAN 

I  can  say  it 

DWIGHT 
Where'd  you  learn  it? 

NlNIAN 

Goes  like  this:  I,  Ninian,  take  thee,  Lulu,  to  be  my 
wedded  wife. 

DWIGHT 
Lulu  don't  dare  say  that. 

NINIAN 
Show  him,  Miss  Lulu. 

DWIGHT 
I,  Lulu,  take  thee,  Ninian,  to  be  my  wedded  husband. 

f  NINIAN 

\   ,1  will? 

[65] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  will.    There — I  guess  I  can  join  in  like  the  rest  of 
you. 

NlNIAN 

And  I  will.    There,  by  Jove !  have  we  entertained  the 
company,  or  haven't  we? 

INA 

Oh,  honestly — I  don't  think  you  ought  to — holy  things 
so — what's  the  matter,  Dwightie? 

DWIGHT 

Say,  by  George,  you  know,  a  civil  wedding  is  binding 
in  this  state. 

NlNIAN 

A  civil  wedding — oh,  well 

DWIGHT 
But  I  happen  to  be  a  magistrate. 

INA 
Why,  Dwightie — why,  Dwightie.  .  .  . 

CORNISH 
Mr.  Deacon,  this  can't  be  possible. 

DWIGHT 

I  tell  you,  what  these  two  have  said  is  all  that  they 
have  to  say  according  to  law.     And  there  don't 
have  to  be  witnesses — say! 
[66] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Don't  .  .  .  don't  .  .  .  don't  let  Dwight  scare  you. 

NlNIAN 

Scare  me!  why,  I  think  it's  a  good  job  done  if  you 
ask  me. 
[Their  eyes  meet  in  silence. ] 

INA 
Mercy,  sister! 

DWIGHT 

Oh,  well — I  should  say  we  can  have  it  set  aside  up  in 
the  city  and  no  one  will  be  the  wiser. 

NlNIAN 

Set  aside  nothing.    I'd  like  to  see  it  stand. 

INA 

Ninian,  are  you  serious? 

NlNIAN 

Of  course  I'm  serious. 

INA 

Lulu.    You  hear  him  ?    What  are  you  going  to  say  to 
that? 

LULU 
He  isn't  in  earnest. 

NINIAN 
I  am  in  earnest — hopp  to  die. 

[67] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh,  no,  no! 

NlNIAN 

You  come  with  me.     We'll  have  it  done  over  again 
somewhere  if  you  say  so. 

LULU 
Why — why — that  couldn't  be.  ... 

NlNIAN 

Why  couldn't  it  be — why  couldn't  it? 

LULU 
How  could  you  want  me? 

NlNIAN 

Didn't  I  tell  you  I  liked  you  from  the  first  minute  I 

saw  you? 

LULU 
Yes.     Yes,  you  did.     But — no,  no.     I  couldn't  let 

you 

NlNIAN 

Never  mind  that.     Would  you  be  willing  to  go  with 
me?    Would  you? 

LULU 

But  you — you  said  you  wanted — oh,  maybe  you're  just 
doing  this  because 

NlNIAN 

Lulu.    Never  mind  any  of  that.    Would  you  be  will 
ing  to  go  with  me? 

[68] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh,  if  I  thought 

NlNIAN 

Good  girl 

INA 
Why,  Lulu.     Why,  Dwight.     It  can't  be  legal. 

DWIGHT 

Why?  Because  it's  your  sister?  I've  married  dozens 
of  couples  this  way.  Dozens. 

NlNIAN 

Good  enough — eh,  Lulu? 

LULU 
It's — it's  all  right,  I  guess. 

DWIGHT 
Well,  I'll  be  dished. 

CORNISH 
Well,  by  Jerusalem.  .  .  . 

INA 

Sister! 

NlNIAN 

I  was  going  to  make  a  trip  south  this  month  on  my 
way  home  from  here.  Suppose  we  make  sure  of 
this  thing  and  start  right  off.  You'd  like  that, 
wouldn't  you?  Going  to  Savannah? 

[691 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Yes,  I'd  like  that. 

NlNIAN 

Then  that's  checked  off. 

DWIGHT 
I  suppose  we  call  off  our  trip  to  the  city  to-night  then. 

NlNIAN 

Call  off  nothing.  Come  along.  Give  us  a  send-off. 
You  can  shoot  our  trunks  after  us,  can't  you? 
All  right,  Miss  Lulu — er — er,  Mrs.  Lulu? 

LULU 
If  you  won't  be  ashamed  of  me. 

NlNIAN 

I  can  buy  you  some  things  in  the  city  to-morrow. 

LULU 
Oh.  ... 

INA 

Oh,  mama,  mama!  Did  you  hear?  Di!  Aunt  Lulu's 
married. 

Di 

Married?    Aunt  Lulu? 

INA 
Just  now.     Right  here.     By  papa. 

[70] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Oh,  to  Mr.  Cornish? 

CORNISH 
No,  Miss  Di.     Don't  you  worry. 

INA 

To    Ninian,    mama.     They've    just    been    married — • 
Lulu  and  Ninian. 

MRS.  BETT 

^ 

Who's  going  to  do  your  work? 

LULU 

Oh,  mother  dearest — I  don't  know  who  will.    I  ought 
not  to  have  done  this.     Well,  of  course,  I  didn't 

do  it 

MRS.  BETT 

I  knew  well  enough  you  were  all  keeping  something 
from  me. 

INA 
But,  mama!     It  was  so  sudden • 

LULU 
I  never  planned  to  do  it,  mother — not  like  this 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  Inie,  I  should  think  Lulie  might  have  had  a  little 
more  consideration  to  her  than  this. 
[At  the  window,  behind  the  curtain,  Di  has  just 
kissed  BOBBY  good-by.~\ 

[71] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Mother  dearest,  tell  me  it's  all  right 

MRS.  BETT 
This  is  what  comes  of  going  to  the  theater. 

LULU 

Mother 

DWIGHT 
Come  on,  everybody,  if  we're  going  to  make  that  train. 

NlNIAN 

Yes.     Let's  get  out  of  this. 

CORNISH 
Come,  Miss  Di. 

INA 
Oh,  I'm  so  flustrated! 

DWIGHT 
Come,  come,  come  all !    On  to  the  festive  city ! 

MONONA 

[Dancing  stiffly  up  and  down.] 
I  was  to  a  wedding !    I  was  to  a  wedding ! 

NlNIAN 

Good-by,  Mama  Bett! 

LULU 
Mother,  mother!    Don't  forget  the  two  pies! 

CURTAIN 

[72] 


ACT  II 

SCENE  i 

SIDE  PORCH,  wicker  furnished.  At  the  back  are  two 
windows,  attractively  curtained  and  revealing 
shaded  lamps;  between  the  windows  a  door,  of 
good  lines,  set  in  white  clapboards.  The  porch  is 
raised  but  a  step  or  two.  Low  greenery,  and  a 
path  leading  off  sharply  left.  It  is  evening,  a 
month  after  LULU'S  marriage. 

[Discover  INA,  D  WIGHT,  MRS.  BETT  and  MONONA.] 

INA 

Dwight  dear,  the  screen  has  never  been  put  on  that 
back  window. 

DWIGHT 

Now,  why  can't  my  puss  remind  me  of  that  in  the 
morning  instead  of  the  only  time  I  have  to  take 
my  ease  with  my  family. 

INA 
But,  Dwight,  in  the  mornings  you  are  so  busy 

DWIGHT 

What  an  argumentative  puss  you  are.  By  Jove !  look 
at  that  rambler  rosebush.  It's  got  to  be  sprayed. 

[73] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

[You've  said  that  every  night  for  a  week,  Dwight.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
Don't  exaggerate  like  that,  Ina.    It's  bad  for  Monona. 

INA 

Dwight,  look,  quick.  There  go  our  new  neighbors. 
They  have  a  limousine —  Perhaps  I  have  been  a 
little  slow  about  calling.  Look  at  them,  Dwight ! 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Ina,  I  see  them.  Do  you  want  me  to  pat  them 
on  the  back? 

INA 
Well,  I  think  you  might  be  interested. 

[MONONA  chants  softly.'] 
Dwight,  I  wonder  if  Monona  really  has  a  musical  gift. 

DWIGHT 

She's  a  most  unusual  child.    Do  you  know  it? 
[Enter  Di,  from  house, .] 

INA 

Oh,  they  both  are.  Where  are  you  going,  I'd  like  to 
know?  Di 

Mama,  I  have  to  go  down  to  the  liberry. 

INA 

It  seems  to  me  you  have  to  go  to  the  library  every 
evening.  Dwight,  do  you  think  she  ought  to  go  ? 

[74] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Diana,  is  it  necessary  that  you  go  ? 

Di 
Well,  everybody  else  goes,  and 


INA 
I  will  not  have  you  downtown  in  the  evenings. 

Di 

But  you  let  me  go  last  night. 

INA 
All  the  better  reason  why  you  should  not  go  to-night. 

MONONA 
Mama,  let  me  go  with  her. 

INA 
Very  well,  Di,  you  may  go  and  take  your  sister. 

MONONA 
Goody,  goody !  last  time  you  wouldn't  let  me  go. 

INA 
That's  why  mama's  going  to  let  you  go  to-night. 

DWIGHT 

I  thought  you  said  the  child  must  go  to  bed  half  an 
hour  earlier  because  she  wouldn't  eat  her  egg. 

INA 
Yes,  that's  so,  I  did.    Monona,  you  can't  go. 

[75] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

But  I  didn't  want  my  egg — honest  I  didn't 

INA 

Makes  no  difference.  You  must  eat  or  you'll  get  sick. 
Mama's  going  to  teach  you  to  eat.  Go  on,  Di, 
to  the  library  if  it's  necessary. 

DWIGHT 

I  suppose  Bobby  Larkin  has  to  go  to  the  library  to 
night,  eh? 

INA 

Dwight,  I  wouldn't  joke  her  about  him.  Scold  her 
about  him,  the  way  you  did  this  morning. 

Di 

But  papa  was  cross  about  something  else  this  morning. 
And  to-night  he  isn't.  Good-by,  Dwight  and  Ina ! 
[Exit  Di.] 

MONONA 
I  hate  the  whole  family. 

MRS.  BETT 
Well,  I  should  think  she  would. 

INA 

Why,  mama!    Why,  Pettie  Deacon! 
[ MONONA  weeps  silently.] 

[76] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

[To  IN  A.] 

Say  no  more,  my  dear.  It's  best  to  overlook.  Show 
a  sweet  spirit.  .  .  . 

MRS.  BETT 

About  as  much  like  a  father  and  mother  as  a  cat  and 
dog. 

DWIGHT 
We've  got  to  learn 

MRS.  BETT 

Performin'  like  a  pair  of  weathercocks. 
[Both  talking  at  onceJ] 

DWIGHT 
Mother  Bett!     Are  you  talking,  or  am  I? 

MRS.  BETT 
I  am.     But  you  don't  seem  to  know  it. 

DWIGHT 

Let  us  talk,  pussy,  and  she'll  simmer  down.  Ah — 
nothing  new  from  the  bride  and  groom  ? 

INA 

No,  Dwight.  And  it's  been  a  week  since  Lulu  wrote. 
She  said  he'd  bought  her  a  new  red  dress — and 
a  hat.  Isn't  it  too  funny — to  think  of  Lulu 

DWIGHT 

I  don't  understand  why  they  plan  to  go  straight  to 
Oregon  without  coming  here  first. 

[77] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

It  isn't  a  bit  fair  to  mama,  going  off  that  way.  Leav-> 
ing  her  own  mother — why,  she  may  never  see 
mama  again. 

MRS.  BETT 
Oh  I'm  going  to  last  on  quite  a  while  yet 

DWIGHT 

Of  course  you  are,  Mama  Bett.  You're  my  best 
girl.  That  reminds  me,  Ina,  we  must  run  up  to 
visit  Aunt  Mollie.  We  ought  to  run  up  there  next 
week.  She  isn't  well. 

INA 

Let's  do  that.  Dear  me,  I  wish  Lulu  was  here  to  leave 
in  charge.  I  certainly  do  miss  Lulu — lots  of 
ways. 

MRS.  BETT 
'Specially  when  it  comes  mealtime. 

INA 
Is  that  somebody  coming  here? 

DWIGHT 
Looks  like  it — yes,  so  it  is.    Some  caller,  as  usual. 

[Enter  LULU.] 
Well,  if  it  isn't  Miss  Lulu  Bett 

INA 
Why,  sister! 

[78] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie.    Lulie.    Lulie. 

LULU 
How  did  you  know? 

INA 
Know  what? 

LULU 
That  it  isn't  Lulu  Deacon. 

DWIGHT 
What's  this? 

INA 
Isn't  Lulu  Deacon.    What  are  you  talking? 

LULU 
Didn't  he  write  to  you? 

DWIGHT 

Not  a  word.    All  we've  had  we  had  from  you — the 
last  from  Savannah,  Georgia. 

LULU 
Savannah,  Georgia,  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
Well,  but  he's  here  with  you,  isn't  he? 

INA 
Where  is  he?    Isn't  he  here? 

[79] 


MISS  LULU  BEIT 

LULU 
Must  be  most  to  Oregon  by  this  time 

DWIGHT 
Oregon  ? 

LULU 
You  see,  he  had  another  wife. 

INA 
Another  wife! 

DWIGHT 
Why,  he  had  not. 

LULU 

Yes,  another  wife.     He  hasn't  seen  her  for  fifteen 
years  and  he  thinks  she's  dead.    But  he  isn't  sure. 

DWIGHT 
Nonsense.    Why  of  course  she's  dead  if  he  thinks  so. 

LULU 
I  had  to  be  sure. 

INA 
Monona!    Go  upstairs  to  bed  at  once. 

MONONA 
It's  only  quarter  of. 

INA 
Do  as  mama  tells  you. 

MONONA 

But 

[80] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Monona ! 

[She  goes,  kissing  them  all  good-night  and  tak 
ing  her  time  about  it.  Everything  is  suspended 
while  she  kisses  them  and  departs,  walking 
slowly  backward.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Married?    Lulie,  was  your  husband  married? 

LULU 
Yes,  my  husband  was  married,  mother. 

INA 
Mercy,  think  of  anything  like  that  in  our  family. 

DWIGHT 
Well,  go  on — go  on.     Tell  us  about  it 

LULU 

We  were  going  to  Oregon.  First  down  to  New  Or 
leans  and  then  out  to  California  and  up  the 
coast.  .  .  .  Well,  then  at  Savannah,  Georgia,  he 
said  he  thought  I  better  know  first.  So  then  he 
told  me. 

DWIGHT 
Yes — well,  what  did  he  say? 

LULU 

Cora  Waters.    Cora  Waters.    She  married  him  down 
in  San  Diego  eighteen  years  ago.     She  went  to 
South  America  with  him. 
[81] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DwiGHT 

Well,  he  never  let  us  know  of  it,  if  she  did. 

LULU 

No.  She  married  him  just  before  he  went.  Then  in 
South  America,  after  two  years,  she  ran  away. 
That's  all  he  knows. 

DWIGHT 
That's  a  pretty  story. 

LULU 

He  says  if  she  was  alive  she'd  be  after  him  for  a 
divorce.  And  she  never  has  been  so  he  thinks 
she  must  be  dead.  The  trouble  is  he  wasn't  sure. 
And  I  had  to  be  sure. 

INA 
Well,  but  mercy !    Couldn't  he  find  out  now  ? 

LULU 

It  might  take  a  long  time  and  I  didn't  want  to  stay 
and  not  know. 

INA 

Well  then  why  didn't  he  say  so  here? 

LULU 

He  would  have.  But  you  know  how  sudden  every 
thing  was.  He  said  he  thought  about  telling  us 
right  here  that  afternoon  when — when  it  hap 
pened  but  of  course  that'd  been  hard,  wouldn't 
it  ?  And  then  he  felt  so  sure  she  was  dead. 

[82] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Why  did  he  tell  you  at  all  then? 

DWIGHT 
Yes.     Why  indeed? 

LULU 

I  thought  that  just  at  first  but  only  just  at  first.  Of 
course  that  wouldn't  have  been  right.  And  then 
'rou  see  he  gave  me  my  choice. 

DWIGHT 
Gave  you  your  choice? 

LULU 

Yes.  About  going  on  and  taking  the  chances.  He 
gave  me  my  choice  when  he  told  me,  there  in 
Savannah,  Georgia, 

DWIGHT 

What  made  him  conclude  by  then  that  you  ought  to 
be  told? 

LULU 
Why,  he'd  got  to  thinking  about  it. 

[A  silence.  ] 
The  only  thing  as  long  as   it  happened   I  kind  of 

wish  he  hadn't  told  me  till  we  got  to  Oregon. 

INA 

Lulu!     Oh,  you  poor  poor  thing.  .  .  . 

[MRS.  BETT  suddenly  joins  INA  in  tears,  rock 
ing  her  body.] 

[83] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Don't,  mother.    Oh,  Ina,  don't.  ...  He  felt  bad  too. 

DWIGHT 
He!    He  must  have. 

INA 
It's  you.     It's  you.    My  sister! 

LULU 

I  never  thought  of  it  making  you  both  feel  bad.  I 
knew  it  would  make  Dwight  feel  bad.  I  mean, 
it  was  his  brother 

INA 
Thank  goodness!  nobody  need  know  about  it. 

LULU 
Oh,  yes.     People  will  have  to  know. 

DWIGHT 
I  do  not  see  the  necessity. 

LULU 
Why,  what  would  they  think? 

DWIGHT 
What  difference  does  it  make  what  they  think? 

LULU 

Why,  I  shouldn't  like — you  see  they  might — why, 
Dwight,  I  think  we'll  have  to  tell  them. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

You  do.  You  think  the  disgrace  of  bigamy  in  this 
family  is  something  the  whole  town  will  have  to 
know  about. 

LULU 
Say.     I  never  thought  about  it  being  that 

DWIGHT 

What  did  you  think  it  was?  And  whose  disgrace  is 
it,  pray? 

LULU 

Mine.     And  Ninian's. 

DWIGHT 

Ninian's.  Well,  he's  gone.  But  you're  here.  And 
I'm  here — and  my  family.  Folks'll  feel  sorry  for 
you.  But  the  disgrace,  that  would  reflect  on  me. 

LULU 
But  if  we  don't  tell  what'll  they  think? 

DWIGHT 

They'll  think  what  they  always  think  when  a  wife 
leaves  her  husband.  They'll  think  you  couldn't 
get  along.  That's  all. 

LULU 

I  should  hate  that.  I  wouldn't  want  them  to  think 
I  hadn'  been  a  good  wife  to  Ninian. 

[85] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Wife?     You  never  were  his  wife.     That's  just  the 
point. 

LULU 
Oh! 

DWIGHT 

Don't  you  realize  the  position  he's  in  ?  .  .  .  See  here — 
do  you  intend —    Are  you  going  to  sue  Ninian? 

LULU 
Oh!  no!  no!  no! 

INA 
Why,  Lulu,  any  one  would  think  you  loved  him. 

LULU 

I  do  love  him.    And  he  loved  me.     Don't  you  think 
I  know?    He  loved  me. 

INA 
Lulu. 

LULU 
I  love  him — I  do,  and  I'm  not  ashamed  to  tell  you. 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie,  Lulie,  was  his  other  wife — was  she  there? 

LULU 
No,  no,  mother.     She  wasn't  there. 

MRS.  BETT 

Then  it  ain't  so  bad.    I  was  afraid  maybe  she  turned 
you  out. 

[86] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
No,  no.     It  wasn't  that  bad,  mother. 

DWIGHT 

In  fact  I  simply  will  not  have  it,  Lulu.  You  expect, 
I  take  it,  to  make  your  home  with  us  in  the  future 
on  the  old  terms. 

LULU 

Well 

DWIGHT 
I  mean  did  'Ninian  give  you  any  money? 

LULU 

No.  He  didn't  give  me  any  money — only  enough 
to  get  home  on.  And  I  kept  my  suit  and  the 
other  dress — why!  I  wouldn't  have  taken  any 
money. 

DWIGHT 

That  means  that  you  will  have  to  continue  to  live  here 
on  the  old  terms  and  of  course  I'm  quite  willing 
that  you  should.  Let  me  tell  you,  however,  that 
this  is  on  condition — on  condition  that  this  dis 
graceful  business  is  kept  to  ourselves. 

INA 

Truly,  Lulu,  wouldn't  that  be  best?  They'll  talk  any 
way.  But  this  way  they'll  only  talk  about  you 
and  the  other  way  it'll  be  about  all  of  us. 

LULU 
But  the  other  way  would  be  the  truth. 

[87] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Lulu,  are  you  sure  of  that? 

LULU 
Sure? 

DWIGHT 
Yes.    Did  he  give  you  any  proofs? 

LULU 
Proofs? 

DWIGHT 

Letters — documents  of  any  sort?    Any  sort  of  assur 
ance  that  he  was  speaking  the  truth? 

LULU 
Why — no.     Proofs — no.     He  told  me. 

DWIGHT 
He  told  you! 

LULU 

That  was  hard  enough  to  have  to  do.  It  was  terrible 
for  him  to  have  to  do.  What  proofs 

DWIGHT 

I  may  as  well  tell  you  that  I  myself  have  no  idea  that 
Ninian  told  you  the  truth.  He  was  always  im 
agining  things,  inventing  things — you  must  have 
seen  that.  I  know  him  pretty  well — have  been 
in  touch  with  him  more  or  less  the  whole  time. 
In  short  I  haven't  the  least  idea  he  was  ever 
married  before. 

[88] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I  never  thought  of  that. 

D'WIGHT 

Look  here — hadn't  you  and  he  had  some  little  tiff  when 
he  told  you? 

LULU 
No — no !  Not  once.  He  was  very  good  to  me.  This 

dress — and  my  shoes — and  my  hat.    And  another 

dress,  too. 

[She  takes  off  her  hat.] 
He  liked  the  red  wing — I  wanted  black — oh,  Dwight ! 

He  did  tell  me  the  truth ! 

DWIGHT 

As  long  as  there's  any  doubt  about  it — and  I  feel  the 
gravest  doubts — I  desire  that  you  should  keep 
silent  and  protect  my  family  from  this  scandal. 
I  have  taken  you  into  my  confidence  about  these 
doubts  for  your  own  profit. 

LULU 
My  own  profit! 

[Moves  toward  the  door.] 

INA 

Lulu — you  see!  We  just  couldn't  have  this  known 
about  Dwight's  own  brother,  could  we  now? 

[89] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

D'WIGHT 

You  have  it  in  your  own  hands  to  repay  me,  Lulu, 
for  anything  that  you  feel  I  may  have  done  for 
you  in  the  past.  You  also  have  it  in  your  hands 
to  decide  whether  your  home  here  continues. 
This  is  not  a  pleasant  position  for  me  to  find 
myself  in.  In  fact  it  is  distinctly  unpleasant  I 
may  say.  But  you  see  for  yourself. 
[LULU  goes  into  the  house.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Wasn't  she  married  when  she  thought  she  was? 

INA 

Mama,  do  please  remember  Monona.  Yes — Dwight 
thinks  now  she's  married  all  right  and  that  it 
was  all  right,  all  the  time. 

MRS.  BETT 
Well,  I  hope  so,  for  pity  sakes. 

MONONA'S  VOICE 
[From  upstairs.] 

Mama!  Come  on  and  hear  me  say  my  prayers,  why 
don't  you? 

DARKNESS 


SCENE  n 

INA  seated.    MONONA  jumping  on  cmd  off  the  porch, 
chanting. 
[Enter  D WIGHT.] 

DWIGHT 

Ah,  this  is  great  ...  no  place  like  home  after  all,  is 
there? 

INA 

Now,  Monona,  sit  down  and  be  quiet    You've  played 
enough  for  one  day. 
[Enter  MRS.  BETT.] 

MONONA 
How  do  you  know  I  have? 

DWIGHT 

Ah,  Mama  Bett.     Coming  out  to  enjoy  the  evening 
air? 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I  thank  you. 

DWIGHT 

Well,  well,  well,  let's  see  what's  new  in  the  great  press 
of  our  country.  .  .  . 

[Tfey  are  now  seated  in  the  approximate  posi 
tions  assumed  at  the  opening  of  SCENE  i.J 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

Dwight  dear,  nothing  has  been  done  about  that  screen 
for  the  back  window. 

DWIGHT 

Now  why  couldn't  my  puss  have  reminded  me  of  that 
this  morning  instead  of  waiting  for  the  only  time 
I  have  to  take  my  ease  with  my  family. 

INA 

But  Dwightie,  in  the  mornings  you're  so  busy 

D'WIGHT 

You  are  argumentative,  pussy — you  certainly  are. 
And  you  ought  to  curb  it.  For  that  matter  I 
haven't  sprayed  that  rambler  rosebush. 

INA 

Every  single  night  for  a  month  you've  spoken  of 
spraying  that  rosebush. 

DWIGHT 

Ina,  will  you  cease  your  exaggerations  on  Monona's 
account  if  not  on  mine.  Exaggeration,  my  pet,  is 
one  of  the  worst  of  female  faults.  Exaggera- 

INA 

Look,  Dwight!  our  new  neighbors  have  got  a  dog. 
Great  big  brute  of  a  thing.     He's  going  to  tear 
up  every  towel  I  spread  on  our  grass.  .  .  . 
[Enter  Di,  from  the  house.] 

Now,  Di,  where  are  you  going? 

[92] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Mama,  I  have  to  go  down  to  the  liberty. 

INA 
Now,  Di 

Di 

You  let  me  go  last  night. 

MONONA 

Mama,  I  can  go,  can't  I?    Because  you  wouldn't  let 
me  go  last  night. 

INA 
No,  Monona,  you  may  not  go. 

MONONA 
Oh,  why  not? 

INA 

Because  mama  says  so.     Isn't  that  enough? 

MRS.  BETT 
Anybody'd  think  you  was  the  king — layin'  down  the 

law  an'  layin'  down  the  law  an*  layin'  down 

Where's  Lulie? 

Di 
Mama,  isn't  Uncle  Ninian  coming  back? 

INA 

Hush.   .    .    .  No.     Now  don't  ask  mama  any  more 
questions. 

[93] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 
But  supposing  people  ask  me.     What'll  I  say? 

INA 
Don't  say  anything  at  all  about  Aunt  Lulu. 

Di 
But,  mama,  what  has  she  done? 

INA 
Di !    Don't  you  think  mama  knows  best  ? 

Di 

[Softly.] 

No,  I  don't.  .  .  .  Well  anyway  Aunt  Lulu's  got  on 
a  perfectly  beautiful  dress  to-night.  .  .  . 

INA 

And  you  know,  Dwight,  Lulu's  clothes  give  me  the 
funniest  feeling.  As  if  Lulu  was  wearing  things 
bought  for  her  by  some  one  that  wasn't — that 

DWIGHT 
By  her  husband  who  has  left  her. 

Di 
Is  that  what  it  is,  papa? 

DWIGHT 

That's  what  it  is,  my  little  girl. 

[94] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Well,  I  think  it's  a  shame.  And  I  think  Uncle  Niniaa 
is  a  slunge. 

INA 
Di  Deacon! 

Di 

I  do!  And  I'd  be  ashamed  to  think  anything  else* 
I'd  like  to  tell  everybody. 

DWIGHT 
There's  no  need  for  secrecy  now. 

INA 

Dwight,  really — do  you  think  we  ought • 

DWIGHT 

No  need  whatever  for  secrecy.  The  truth  is  Lulu's 
husband  has  tired  of  her  and  sent  her  home.  We 
may  as  well  face  it. 

INA 
But  Dwight — how  awful  for  Lulu.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

Lulu  has  us  to  stand  by  her. 
[Enter  LULU.] 

LULU 
That  sounds  good.    That  I  have  you  to  stand  by 

[95] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Lulu,  the  family  bond  is  the  strongest  bond 
in  the  world.     Family.     Tribe.     The — er — pack. 
Standing  up  for  the  family  honor,  the  family  rep 
utation  is  the  highest  nobility. 
[Exit  Di  by  degrees.    Left.] 

I  tell  you  of  all  history  the  most  beautiful  product  is 
the  family  tie.  Of  it  are  born  family  considera 
tion 

INA 

Why,  you  don't  look  like  yourself  ...  is  it  your  hair, 
Lulu?  You  look  so  strange.  .  .  . 

LULU 
Don't  you  like  it?    Ninian  liked  it. 

DWIGHT 

In  that  case  I  think  you'd  show  more  modesty  if  you 
arranged  your  hair  in  the  old  way. 

LULU 

Yes,  you  would  think  so.  Dwight,  I  want  you  to  give 
me  Ninian's  Oregon  address. 

DWIGHT 
You  want  what? 

LULU 

Ninian's  Oregon  address.  It's  a  funny  thing  but 
I  haven't  it. 

[96] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

It  would  seem  that  you  have  no  particular  need  for 
that  particular  address. 

LULU 

Yes  I  have.  I  want  it.  You  have  it  haven't  you, 
Dwight? 

DWIGHT 
Certainly  I  have  it. 

LULU 

Won't  you  please  write  it  down  for  me? 
[She  offers  him  tablet.] 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Lulu,  now  why  revive  anything?  No  good 
can  come  by 

LULU 
But  why  shouldn't  I  have  his  address? 

DWIGHT 
If  everything  is  over  between  you  why  should  you? 

LULU 
But  you  say  he's  still  my  husband. 

DWIGHT 

If  my  brother  has  shown  his  inclination  as  plainly  as 
I  judge  that  he  has  it  is  certainly  not  my  place 
to  put  you  in  touch  with  him  again. 

[97] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  don't  know  whose  place  it  is.  But  I've  got  to  know 
more— I've  got  to  know  more,  Dwight.  This 
afternoon  I  went  to  the  post  office  to  ask  for  his 
address — it  seemed  so  strange  to  be  doing  that, 
after  all  that's  been —  They  didn't  know  his  ad 
dress — I  could  see  how  they  wondered  at  my 
asking.  And  I  knew  how  the  others  wondered — 
Mis'  Martin,  Mis'  Curtis,  Mis'  Grove.  "Where 
you  hiding  that  handsome  husband  of  yours?" 
they  said.  All  I  could  say  was  that  he  isn't  here. 
Dwight!  I  won't  live  like  that.  I  want  to  know 
the  truth.  You  give  me  Ninian's  address. 

DWIGHT 

My  dear  Lulu !  My  dear  Lulu !  You  are  not  the  one 
to  write  to  him.  Have  you  no  delicacy? 

LULU 

So  much  delicacy  that  I  want  to  be  sure  whether  I'm 
married  or  not 

DWIGHT 

Then  I  myself  will  take  this  up  with  my  brother.  I 
will  write  to  him  about  it. 

LULU 

Here's  everything — if  you're  going  to  write  him,  do 
it  now. 

DWIGHT 
My  dear  Lulu !  don't  be  absurd. 

[98] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Ina!  Help  me!  If  this  was  D wight — and  they  didn't 
know  whether  he  had  another  wife  or  not  and 
you  wanted  to  ask  him  and  you  didn't  know 
where  he  was — oh,  don't  you  see?  Help  me. 

INA 

Well  of  course.  I  see  it  all,  Lulu.  And  yet — why 
not  let  Dwight  do  it  in  his  own  way?  Wouldn't 
that  be  better? 

LULU 
Mother! 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie.     Set  down.     Set  down,  why  don't  you? 

LULU 

Dwight,  you  write  that  letter  to  Ninian.  And  you 
make  him  tell  you  so  that  you'll  understand.  I 
know  he  spoke  the  truth.  But  I  want  you  to 
know. 

DWIGHT 

M — m.  And  then  I  suppose  as  soon  as  you  have 
the  proofs  you're  going  to  tell  it  all  over  town. 

LULU 

I'm  going  to  tell  it  all  over  town  just  as  it  is — unless 
you  write  to  him. 

INA 

Lulu!     Oh,  you  wouldn't! 

[99] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I  would.    I  will. 

DWIGHT 
And  get  turned  out  of  the  house  as  you  would  be? 

INA 

Dwight.     Oh,  you  wouldn't! 

D'WIGHT 

I  would.     I  will.     Lulu  knows  it. 

LULU 

I  shall  tell  what  I  know  and  then  leave  your  house 
anyway  unless  you  get  Ninian's  word.  And 
you're  going  to  write  to  him  now. 

DWIGHT 
You  would  leave  your  mother?    And  leave  Ina? 

LULU 
Leave  everything. 

INA 
Oh,  Dwight !    We  can't  get  along  without  Lulu. 

DWIGHT 

Isn't  this  like  a  couple  of  women?  .  .  .  Rather  than 
let  you  in  for  a  show  of  temper,  Lulu,  I'd  do 
anything. 
[Writes.] 

[100] 


MISS  LULU  BETT  ,vj    :  ;;  , 

MONONA 

[Behind  INA.] 
Mama,  can  I  write  Uncle  Ninian  a  little  letter,  too? 

INA 
For  pity  sakes,  aren't  you  in  bed  yet? 

MONONA 
It's  only  quarter  of. 

INA 

Well  you  may  go  to  bed  now  because  you  have  sat 
there  listening.  How  often  must  mama  tell  you 
not  to  listen  to  grown  people. 

MONONA 
Do  they  always  say  something  bad? 

INA 

Monona,  you  are  to  go  up  to  bed  at  once. 

[She  makes  her  leisurely  rounds  for  kisses.] 

MONONA 

Papa,  it's  your  turn  to  hear  me  say  my  prayers  to 
night. 

DWIGHT 
Very  well,  pettie.    When  you're  ready  call  me. 

[Exit  MONONA.] 

There,  Lulu.  The  deed  is  done.  Now  I  hope  you're 
satisfied. 

[Places  the  letter  in  his  pocket. ] 
[101] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I  want  you  to  give  me  the  letter  to  mail,  please. 

DWIGHT 

Why  this  haste,  sister  mine  ?  I'll  mail  it  in  the  morn 
ing. 

LULU 
I'll  mail  it  now.    Now. 

DWIGHT 

I  may  take  a  little  stroll  before  bedtime — I'll  mail  it 
then.  There's  nothing  like  a  brisk  walk  to  induce 
sound  restful  sleep. 

LULU 
I'll  mail  the  letter  now. 

DWIGHT 

I  suppose  I'll  have  to  humor  your  sister,  Ina.    Purely 
on  your  account  you  understand. 
[Hands  the  letter.] 

INA 

Oh,  D wight,  how  good  you  are! 

LULU 

There's — there's  one  thing  more  I  want  to  speak  about. 
If — if  you  and  Ina  go  to  your  Aunt  Mollie's  then 

Ninian's  letter  might  come  while  you're  away. 

i 

DWIGHT 

Conceivably.    Letters  do  come  while  a  man's  away. 

[102] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Yes.    And  I  thought  if  you  wouldn't  mind  if  I  opened 

it 

DWIGHT 
Opened  it?    Opened  my  letter? 

LULU 

Yes,  you  see  it'll  be  about  me  mostly.  You  wouldn't 
mind  if  I  did  open  it? 

DWIGHT 
But  you  say  you  know  what  will  be  in  it,  Miss  Bett? 

LULU 
I  did  know  till  you — I've  got  to  see  that  letter,  D wight. 

DWIGHT 

And  so  you  shall.  But  not  until  I  show  it  to  you.  My 
dear  Lulu,  you  know  how  I  hate  having  my  mail 
interfered  with.  You  shall  see  the  letter  all  in 
good  time  when  Ina  and  I  return. 

LULU 
You  wouldn't  want  to  let  me — just  see  what  he  says? 

DWIGHT 
I  prefer  always  to  open  my  own  letters. 

LULU 
Very  well, .  Dwight. 

[She  moves  away.     Right.] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

And  Lulu,  I  meant  to  ask  you:  Don't  you  think  it 
might  be  better  if  you  —  if  you  kept  out  of  sight 
for  a  few  days? 

LULU 
Why? 

INA 
Why  set  people  wondering  till  we  have  to? 

LULU 
They  don't  have  to  wonder  as  far  as  I'm  concerned. 


MRS.  BETT 

I'm  going  through  the  kitchen  to  set  with  Grandma 
Gates.    She  always  says  my  visits  are  like  a  dose 
of  medicine. 
[Exit  MRS.  BETT.] 

INA 

It  certainly  has  changed  Lulu  —  a  man  coming  into 
her  life.  She  never  spoke  to  me  like  that  before. 

DWIGHT 

I  saw  she  wasn't  herself.  I'd  do  anything  to  avoid 
having  a  scene  —  you  know  that.  .  .  .  You  do 
know  that,  don't  you? 

INA 

But  I  really  think  you  ought  to  have  written  to  Ninian. 
It's  —  it's  not  a  nice  position  for  Lulu. 
[104] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DwiGHT 

Nice!    But  whom  has  she  got  to  blame  for  it? 

INA 

Why,  Ninian. 

DWIGHT 

Herself !  To  tell  you  the  truth,  I  was  perfectly  amazed 
at  the  way  she  snapped  him  up  here  that  after 
noon. 

INA 
Why  but  Dwight 

DWIGHT 
Brazen.    Oh,  it  was  brazen. 

INA 

It  was  just  fun  in  the  first  place. 

DWIGHT 
But  no  really  nice  woman 

INA 

Dwightie — what  did  you  say  in  the  letter? 

DWIGHT 

What  did  I  say?  I  said,  I  said:  "DEAR  BROTHER,  I 
take  it  that  the  first  wife  story  was  devised  to 
relieve  you  of  a  distasteful  situation.  Kindly  con 
firm.  Family  well  as  usual.  Business  fair." 
Covers  it,  don't  it? 

[105] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Oh,  Dwightie — how  complete  that  is. 

DWIGHT 

I'm  pretty  good  at  writing  brief  concise  letters — that 
say  the  whole  thing,  eh? 

INA 

Fve  often  noticed  that.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

My  precious  pussy.  .  .  .  Oh,  how  unlike  Lulu  you 
are! 
[Right.     Di  and  BOBBY  appear,  walking  very 

slowly  and  very  near.] 
[DWIGHT  rises,  holds  out  his  arms.] 

INA 

Poor  dear  foolish  Lulu!  oh,  D wight — what  if  it  was 
Di  in  Lulu's  place? 

DWIGHT 

Such  a  thing  couldn't  happen  to  Di.     Di  was  born 
with  ladylike  feelings. 

[They  enter  the  house.  INA  extinguishes  a  lamp. 
DWIGHT  turns  down  the  hall  gas.  Pause.  Di 
and  BOBBY  come  to  the  veranda.] 

Di 

Bobby  dear !  You  don't  kiss  me  as  if  you  really  wanted 
to  kiss  me  to-night.  .  .  . 

DARKNESS 

[106] 


SCENE  in 

THE  SAME.  Evening,  a  week  later.  Stage  flooded 
with  moonlight,  house  lighted.  At  the  piano, 
just  inside  the  window,  LULU  and  CORNISH  are 
finishing  a  song  together,  LULU  accompanying. 

How  sweet  the  happy  evening's  close, 
'Tis  the  hour  of  sweet  repose — 
Good-night. 

The  summer  wind  has  sunk  to  rest, 
The  moon  serenely  bright 
Unfolds  her  calm  and  gentle  ray, 
Softly  now  she  seems  to  say, 
Good-night. 

[As  they  sing,  Di  slips  into  the  house,  unseen.] 

CORNISH 
Why,  Miss  Lulu,  you* re  quite  a  musician. 

LULU 
Oh,  no.    I've  never  played  in  front  of  anybody 

[They  come  to  the  porch.] 
I  don't  know  what  Ina  and  Dwight  would  say  if  they 

heard  me. 

CORNISH 
What  a  pretty  dress  that  is,  Miss  Lulu ! 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  made  this  from  one  of  Ina's  old  ones  since  she's  been 
gone.  I  don't  know  what  Ina  and  Dwight  are 
going  to  say  about  this  dress,  made  like  this,  when 
they  get  home. 

CORNISH 
When  are  they  coming  back? 

LULU 

Any  time  now.  They've  been  gone  most  a  week.  Do 
you  know  I  never  had  but  one  compliment  before 
that  wasn't  for  my  cooking. 

CORNISH 
You  haven't ! 

LULU 

He  told  me  I  done  up  my  hair  nice.  That  was  after 
I  took  notice  how  the  ladies  in  Savannah,  Georgia, 
done  up  theirs. 

CORNISH 

I  guess  you  can  do  most  anything  you  set  your  hand 
to,  Miss  Lulu:  Look  after  Miss  Di  and  sing 
and  play  and  cook 

LULU 

Yes,  cook.  But  I  can't  earn  anything.  I'd  like  to 
earn  something. 

CORNISH 

You  would!    Why,  you  have  it  fine  here,  I  thought. 

tic*] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Oh,  fine,  yes.  Dwight  gives  me  what  I  have.  And  I 
do  their  work. 

CORNISH 

[  see.    I  never  thought  of  that.  .  .  . 
[Pause.] 

LULU 
You're  wondering  why  I  didn't  stay  with  him! 

CORNISH 
Oh,  no. 

LULU 

Yes  you  are !  The  whole  town's  wondering.  They're 
all  talking  about  me. 

CORNISH 

Well,  Miss  Lulu,  you  know  it  don't  make  any  differ 
ence  to  your  friends  what  people  say. 

LULU 

But  they  don't  know  the  truth.  You  see,  he  had  an 
other  wife. 

CORNISH 

Lord  sakes! 

LULU 

Dwight  thinks  it  isnt  true.  He  thinks — he  didn't 
have  another  wife.  .  .  .  You  see,  Dwight  thinks 
he  didn't  want  me. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

But — your  husband — I  mean,  why  doesn't  he  write  to 
Mr.  Deacon  and  tell  him  the  truth 

LULU 
He  has  written.    The  letter's  in  there  on  the  piano. 

CORNISH 
What'd  he  say? 

LULU 

Dwight  doesn't  like  me  to  touch  his  mail.     I'll  have 
to  wait  till  he  comes  back. 

CORNISH 

Lord  sakes !  .  .  .  You — you — you're  too  nice  a  girl  to 
get  a  deal  like  this.    Darned  if  you  aren't. 

LULU 
Oh,  no. 

CORNISH 
Yes  you  are,  too!    And  there  ain't  a  thing  I  can  do. 

LULU 
It's  a  good  deal  to  have  somebody  to  talk  to.  ... 

CORNISH 
Sure  it  is. 

LULU 

....  Cora  Waters.     Cora  Waters,  of  San  Diego, 
California,     And  she  never  heard  of  me. 

[1 10] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

No.    She  never  did,  did  she?    Ain't  life  the  darn 

[Enter  MRS.  BETT.] 

MRS.  BETT 

I  got  Monona  into  bed.  And  it's  no  fool  of  a  job 
neither. 

LULU 
Did  you,  mother?    Come  and  sit  down. 

MRS.  BETT 

Yes.  She  went  to  bed  with  a  full  set  of  doll 
dishes.  .  .  .  Ain't  it  nice  with  the  folks  all  gone? 
...  I  don't  hear  any  more  playin'  and  singin'. 
It  sounded  real  good. 

LULU 
We  sung  all  I  knew  how  to  play,  mama. 

MRS.  BETT 
I  use'  to  play  on  the  melodeon. 

CORNISH 
Well,  well,  well. 

MRS.  BETT 

That  was  when  I  was  first  married.  We  had  a  little 
log  house  in  a  clearing  in  York  State.  I  was 
seventeen — and  he  was  nineteen.  While  he  was 
chopping  I  use*  to  sit  on  a  log  with  my  sewing. 
Jenny  was  born  in  that  house.  I  was  alone  at  the 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

time.     I  was  alone  with  her  when  she  died,  too. 

She  was  sixteen — little  bits  of  hands  she  had 

[Yawns.     Rises,  wanders  toward  door.] 
Can't  we  have  some  more  playin'  and  singin'? 

LULU 
After  a  little  while,  mama — dear. 

MRS.  BETT 

It  went  kind  of  nice — that  last  tune  you  sung. 
[Hums  the  air.    Enters  house.] 

CORNISH 
I  must  be  going  along  too,  Miss  Lulu. 

LULU 
I  can't  think  why  Di  doesn't  come.    She  ought  not  to 

be  out  like  this  without  telling  me 

[MRS.  BETT  appears  beside  the  piano,  lifts  and 
examines  the  letters  lying  there.] 

CORNISH 

Well,  don't  you  mind  on  my  account.     IVe  enjoyed 
every  minute  I've  been  here. 

LULU 

Mother !    Those  are  Dwight's  letters — don't  you  touch 
them. 

MRS.  BETT 
I  ain't  hurting  them  or  him  neither. 

[Disappears,  the  letters  in  her  hand.] 
[112] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

Good-night,  Miss  Lulu.  If  there  was  anything  I 
could  do  at  any  time  you'd  let  me  know,  wouldn't 
you? 

LULU 
Oh,  thank  you. 

CORNISH 

I've  had  an  awful  nice  time,  singing,  and  listening  to 
you  talk — well  of  course — I  mean  the  supper  was 
just  fine !  And  so  was  the  music. 

LULU 
Oh,  no. 

[MRS.  BETT  appears  at  the  door  with  a  letter. ] 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie.     I  guess  you  didn't  notice.     This  one's  from 

Ninian. 

LULU 

Mother 

MRS.  BETT 

I  opened  it — why  of  course  I  did.  It's  from  Ninian. 
[Holds  out  unfolded  letter  and  an  old  newspaper 

clipping.} 

The  paper's  awful  old — years  back,  looks  like.  See. 
Says  "Corie  Waters,  music  hall  singer — married 
last  night  to  Ninian  Deacon" —  Say,  Lulie,  that 
must  be  her. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Yes,  that's  her.  That's  her— Cora  Waters.  ...  Oh, 
then  he  was  married  to  her  just  like  he  said! 

CORNISH 
Oh,  Miss  Lulu!    I'm  so  sorry! 

LULU 

No,  no.  Because  he  wanted  me!  He  didn't  say  that 
just  to  get  rid  of  me! 

CORNISH 
Oh,  that  way.  ...  I  see.  .  .  . 

LULU 
I'm  so  thankful  it  wasn't  that. 

MRS.  BETT 
Then  everything's  all  right  onct  more.    Ain't  that  nice ! 

LULU 
I'm  so  thankful  it  wasn't  that. 

CORNISH 

Yes,  I  can  understand  that.  Well,  I — I  guess  I  ought 
to  be  going  now,  Miss  Lulu.  .  .  .  Why,  it  is  Miss 
Lulu  Bett,  isn't  it? 

LULU 

[Abstractedly,  with  the  paper.] 
Yes — yes — good-night,  Mr.  Cornish.     Good-night 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

Good-night,  Miss  Lulu.  ...  I  wonder  if  you  would 
let  me  tell  you  something. 

LULU 

Why 

CORNISH 

I  guess  I  don't  amount  to  much.  I'll  never  be  a  lawyer. 
I'm  no  good  at  business  and  everything  I  say 
sounds  wrong  to  me.  And  yet  I  do  believe  I 
do  know  enough  not  to  bully  a  woman — not  to 
make  her  unhappy,  maybe  even — I  could  make 
her  a  little  happy.  Miss  Lulu,  I  hate  to  see  you 
looking  and  talking  so  sad.  Do  you  think  we 
could  possibly  arrange 

LULU 
Oh! 

CORNISH 

I  guess  maybe  you've  heard  something  about  a  little 
something  I'm  supposed  to  inherit.  Well,  I  got 
it.  Of  course,  it's  only  five  hundred  dollars.  We 
could  get  that  little  Warden  house  and  furnish  up 
the  parlor  with  pianos — that  is,  if  you  could  ever 
think  of  marrying  me. 

LULU 
Don't  say  that — don't  say  that ! 

MRS.  BETT 

Better  take  him,  Lulie.  A  girl  ought  to  take  any  young 
man  that  will  propose  in  front  of  her  mother ! 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

Of  course  if  you  loved  him  very  much  then  I'd  ought 
not  to  be  talking  this  way  to  you. 

LULU 

You  see  Ninian  was  the  first  person  who  was  ever 
kind  to  me.  Nobody  ever  wanted  me,  nobody 
ever  even  thought  of  me.  Then  he  came.  It 
might  have  been  somebody  else.  It  might  have 
been  you.  But  it  happened  to  be  Ninian  and  I 
do  love  him. 

CORNISH 
I  see.    I  guess  you'll  forgive  me  for  what  I  said. 

LULU 
Of  course. 

CORNISH 

Miss  Lulu,  if  that  five  hundred  could  be  of  any  use 
to  you,  I  wish  you'd  take  it. 

LULU 
Oh,  thank  you,  thank  you,  I  couldn't. 

CORNISH 

Well,  I  guess  I'll  be  stepping  along.  If  you  should 
want  me,  I'm  always  there.  I  guess  you  know 
that. 


MRS.  BETT 

Better  burn  that  up.    I  wouldn't  have  it  round. 

[1X6] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 


LULU 

But  mother!  Mother  dear,  try  to  understand.  This 
means  that  Ninian  told  the  truth.  He  wasn't  just 
trying  to  get  rid  of  me. 

MRS.  BETT 
Did  he  want  you  to  stay  with  him? 

LULU 

I  don't  know.  But  I  think  he  did.  Anyway,  now 
I  know  the  truth  about  him. 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  I  wouldn't  want  anybody  else  to  know.  Here, 
let  me  have  it  and  burn  it  up. 

LULU 

Mama,  mama!  Aren't  you  glad  for  me  that  now 
I  can  prove  Ninian  wasn't  just  making  up  a  story 
so  Fd  go  away? 

MRS.  BETT 

[Clearly  and  beautifully.] 

Oh,  Lulu!  My  little  girl!  Is  that  what  they  said 
about  you?  Mother  knows  it  wasn't  like  that. 
Mother  knows  he  loved  you.  .  .  .  How  still  it 
is  here!  Where's  Inie? 

LULU 
They've  gone  away,  you  know.  .  .  . 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  I  guess  I'll  step  over  to  Grandma  Gates's  a  spell. 
See  how  her  rheumatism  is.  I'll  be  back  before 
long — I'll  be  back.  .  .  . 

[Exit.  For  a  moment  LULU  breaks  down  and 
sobs.  Rises  to  lay  DWIGHT'S  letter  through  the 
window  on  piano.  Slight  sound.  She  listens. 
Enter  Di  from  house.  She  is  carrying  a  trav 
eling  bag.] 

LULU 

Di!  Why  Di!  What  does  this  mean?  Where  were 
you  going?  Why,  mama  won't  like  your  carry 
ing  her  nice  new  satchel.  .  .  . 

Di 

Aunt  Lulu — the  idea.  What  right  have  you  to  inter 
fere  with  me  like  this? 

LULU 

Di,  you  must  explain  to  me  what  this  means.  .  .  .  Di, 
where  can  you  be  going  with  a  satchel  this  time 
of  the  night  ?  Di  Deacon,  are  you  running  away 
with  somebody? 

Di 
You  have  no  right  to  ask  me  questions,  Aunt  Lulu. 

LULU 

Di,  you're  going  off  with  Bobby  Larkin,  Aren't  you? 
Aren't  you? 

[118] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 
If  I  am  it's  entirely  our  own  affair. 

LULU 

Why,  Di.  If  you  and  Bobby  want  to  be  married  why 
not  let  us  get  you  up  a  nice  wedding  here  at 
home 

Di 

Aunt  Lulu,  you're  a  funny  person  to  be  telling  me 
what  to  do. 

LULU 

I  love  you  just  as  much  as  if  I  was  married  happy, 
in  a  home. 

Di 

Well,  you  aren't.  And  I'm  going  to  do  just  as  I  think 
best.  Bobby  and  I  are  the  ones  most  concerned  in 
this,  Aunt  Lulu. 

LULU 
But — but  getting  married  is  for  your  whole  life! 

Di 
Yours  wasn't. 

LULU 

Di,  my  dear  little  girl,  you  must  wait  at  least  till 
mama  and  papa  get  home. 

Di 

That's  likely.  They  say  I'm  not  to  be  married  till 
I'm  twenty-one. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Well,  but  how  young  that  is. 

Di 

It  is  to  you.  It  isn't  young  to  me,  remember,  Aunt 
Lulu. 

LULU 
But  this  is  wrong — it  is  wrong! 

Di 

There's  nothing  wrong  about  getting  married  if  you 
stay  married. 

LULU 

Well,  then  it  can't  be  wrong  to  let  your  mother  and 
father  know. 

Di 

It  isn't.  But  they'd  treat  me  wrong.  Mama'd  cry 
and  say  I  was  disgracing  her.  And  papa — first 
he'd  scold  me  and  then  he'd  joke  me  about  it. 
He'd  joke  me  about  it  every  day  for  weeks, 
every  morning  at  breakfast,  every  night  here  on 
the  porch — he'd  joke  me. 

LULU 
Why,  Di !    Do  you  feel  that  way,  too  ? 

Di 

You  don't  know  what  it  is  to  be  laughed  at  or  paid 
no  attention  to,  everything  you  say. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Don't  I?    Don't  I?    Is  that  why  you're  going? 

Di 
Well,  it's  one  reason. 

LULU 
But  Di,  do  you  love  Bobby  Larkin? 

Di 

Well.  ...  I  could  love  almost  anybody  real  nice  that 
was  nice  to  me. 

LULU 
Di  .  .  .  Di.  .  .  . 

Di 
It's  true. 

[BOBBY  enters.] 

You  ought  to  know  that.   .    .    .  You  did  it.     Mama 
said  so. 

LULU 
Don't  you  think  that  I  don't  know.  .  .  . 

Di 

Oh,  Bobby,  she's  trying  to  stop  us!    But  she  can't  do 
it— I've  told  her  so 

BOBBY 
She  don't  have  to  stop  us.     We're  stopped. 

Di 

What  do  you  mean  ? 

[121] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

BOBBY 
We're  minors. 

Di 
Well,  gracious — you  didn't  have  to  tell  them  that. 

BOBBY 
No.    They  knew  /  was. 

Di 
But,  silly.    Why  didn't  you  tell  them  you're  not. 

BOBBY 
But  I  am. 

Di 
For  pity  sakes — don't  you  know  how  to  do  anything? 

BOBBY 
What  would  you  have  me  do,  I'd  like  to  know  ? 

Di 

Why  tell  them  we're  both — whatever  it  is  they  want 
us  to  be.  We  look  it.  We  know  we're  re 
sponsible — that's  all  they  care  for.  Well,  you  are 
a  funny.  .  .  . 

BOBBY 
You  wanted  me  to  lie? 

Di 
Oh!  don't  make  out  you  never  told  a  fib. 

BOBBY 

Well,  but  this — why,  Di — about  a  thing  like  this.  .  .  . 

[122] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 
I  never  heard  of  a  lover  flatting  out  like  that! 

BOBBY 

Anyhow,  there's  nothing  to  do  now.  The  cat's  out 
I've  told  our  ages.  We've  got  to  have  our  folks 
in  on  it. 

Di 
Is  that  all  you  can  think  of  ? 

BOBBY 
What  else  is  there  to  think  of? 

Di 

Why,  let's  go  to  Bainbridge  or  Holt  and  tell  them 
we're  of  age  and  be  married  there. 

LULU 

Di,  wherever  you  go  I'll  go  with  you.  I  won't  let 
you  out  of  my  sight. 

Di 
Bobby,  why  don't  you  answer  her? 

BOBBY 

But  I'm  not  going  to  Bainbridge  or  Holt  or  any  town 
and  lie,  to  get  you  or  any  other  girl. 

Di 

You're  about  as  much  like  a  man  in  a  story  as — as 
papa  is. 
[Enter  D WIGHT  and  INA.] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

What's  this?    What's  this  about  papa? 

INA 
Well,  what's  all  this  going  on  here? 

LULU 
Why,  Ina! 

Di 

Oh,  mama!  I — I  didn't  know  you  were  coming  so 
soon.  Hello,  dear !  Hello,  papa !  Here's — here's 
Bobby.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
What  an  unexpected  pleasure,  Master  Bobby. 

BOBBY 

Good-evening,  Mrs.  Deacon.  Good-evening,  Mr. 
Deacon. 

DWIGHT 

And  Lulu.  Is  it  Lulu  ?  Is  this  lovely  houri  our  Lulu  ? 
Is  this  Miss  Lulu  Bett?  Or  is  this  Lulu  some 
thing  else  by  now?  You  can't  tell  what  Lulu'll 
do  when  you  leave  her  alone  at  home.  Ina — our 
festive  ball  gown ! 

LULU 

Ina,  I  made  it  out  of  that  old  muslin  of  yours,  you 
know.  I  thought  you  wouldn't  care 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

Oh,  that !  I  was  going  to  use  it  for  Di  but  it  doesn't 
matter.  You  are  welcome  to  it,  Lulu.  Little 
youthful  for  anything  but  home  wear,  isn't  it? 

DWIGHT 

It  looks  like  a  wedding  gown.  Why  are  you  wearing 
a  wedding  gown — eh,  Lulu? 

INA 
Di  Deacon,  what  have  you  got  mama's  new  bag  for? 

Di 
I  haven't  done  anything  to  the  bag,  mama. 

INA 
Well,  but  what  are  you  doing  with  it  here? 

Di 
Oh,  nothing!     Did  you — did  you  have  a  good  time? 

INA 

Yes,  we  did — but  I  can't  see.  .  .  .  Dwight,  look  at  Di 
with  my  new  black  satchel. 

DWIGHT 
What  is  this,  Diana? 

Di 
Well,  I'm — I'm  not  going  to  use  it  for  anything. 

INA 

I  wish  somebody  would  explain  what  is  going  on  here. 
Lulu,  can't  you  explain? 

[125] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Aha!  Now,  if  Lulu  is  going  to  explain  that's  some 
thing  like  it.  When  Lulu  begins  to  explain  we 
get  imagination  going. 

LULU 

Di  and  I  have  a  little  secret.  Can't  we  have  a  little 
secret  if  we  want  one? 

DWIGHT 

Upon  my  word,  she  has  a  beautiful  secret.     I  don't 
know  about  your  secrets,  Lulu. 
[Enter  MRS.  BETT.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Hello,  Inie. 

INA 

Oh,  mother  dear.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 
Well,  Mother  Bett.  .  .  . 

MRS.  BETT 
That  you,  Dwight? 

[To  BOBBY.] 

...  Don't  you  help  me.  I  guess  I  can  help  myself 
yet  awhile. 

[Climbs  the  two  steps.] 
[To  Di.] 

[126] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Made  up  your  mind  to  come  home,  did  you? 

[Seats  herself.] 
I  got  a  joke.    Grandma  Gates  says  it's  all  over  town 

they  wouldn't  give  Di  and  Bobby  Larkin  a  license 

to  get  married. 

[.Single  note  of  laughter,  thin  and  high.] 

D'WIGHT 

What  nonsense! 

INA 

Is  it  nonsense?  Haven't  I  been  trying  to  find  out 
where  the  new  black  bag  went?  Di!  Look  at 
mama.  .  .  . 

Di 

Listen  to  that,  Bobby.     Listen! 

INA 

That  won't  do,  Di.  You  can't  deceive  mama,  and 
don't  you  try. 

BOBBY 
Mrs.  Deacon,  I 

DWIGHT 
Diana ! 

Di 
Yes,  papa. 

DWIGHT 

Answer  your  mother.  Answer  me.  Is  there  any 
thing  in  this  absurd  tale? 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 
No,  papa. 

DWIGHT 
Nothing  whatever? 

Di 
No,  papa. 

DWIGHT 
Can  you  imagine  how  such  a  ridiculous  story  started? 

Di 
No,  papa. 

DWIGHT 

Very  well.     Now  we  know  where  we  are.     If  any 
body  hears  this  report  repeated,  send  them  to  me. 

INA 

Well,  but  that  satchel 

DWIGHT 

One  moment.     Lulu  will  of  course  verify  what  the 
child  has  said. 

LULU 

If  you  cannot  settle  this  with  Di,  you  cannot  settle  it 
with  me. 

DWIGHT 

A  shifty  answer.     You're  a  bird  at  misrepresenting 
facts.  .  .  . 

[128] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh!  ... 

DWIGHT 

Lulu,  the  bird  ! 

LULU 
Lulu,  the  dove  to  put  up  with  you. 


INA 
Bobby  wanted  to  say  something.  .  .  . 

BOBBY 

No,  Mrs.  Deacon.  I  have  nothing  —  more  to  say. 
I'll—  I'll  go  now. 

DWIGHT 
Good-night,  Robert. 

[INA  and  DWIGHT  transfer  bags  and  wraps  to  the 
house.] 

BOBBY 

Good-night,  Mr.  Deacon.     Good-by,  Di. 
[Di  follows  BOBBY.    Right.] 

Di 

Bobby,  come  back,  you  hate  a  lie  —  but  what  else  could 
I  do? 

BOBBY 

What  else  could  you  do  ?  I'd  rather  they  never  let  us 
see  each  other  again  than  to  lose  you  in  the  way 
I've  lost  you  now. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 
Di 


Bobby! 


BOBBY 
It's  true.  We  mustn't  talk  about  it 

Di 
Bobby !    I'll  go  back  and  tell  them  all. 

BOBBY 

You  can't  go  back.     Not  out  of  a  thing  like  that. 
Good-by,  Di. 
[£**.] 
[Enter  D WIGHT  and  INA.] 

Di 

If  you  have  any  fear  that  I  may  elope  with  Bobby 
Larkin,  let  it  rest.  I  shall  never  marry  him  if  he 
asks  me  fifty  times  a  day. 

INA 
Really,  darling? 

Di 
Really  and  truly,  and  he  knows  it,  too. 

DWIGHT 

A-ha !  The  lovelorn  maiden  all  forlorn  makes  up  her 
mind  not  to  be  so  lorn  as  she  thought  she  was. 
How  does  it  seem  not  to  be  in  love  with  him, 
Di— -eh? 

[130] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

>apa,  if  you  make  fun  of  me  any  more  I'll — I'll  let 
the  first  train  of  cars  I  can  find  run  over  me.  .  .  . 
[Sobs  as  she  runs  to  house.] 

MRS.  BETT 

Wait,  darling!    Tell  grandma!    Did  Bobby  have  an 
other  wife  too? 
[Exeunt  MRS.  BETT  and  Di.] 

INA 

Di,  I'd  be  ashamed,  when  papa's  so  good  to  you.  Oh, 
my !  what  parents  have  to  put  up  with.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

Bear  and  forbear,  pettie — bear  and  forbear.  .  .  .  By 
the  way,  Lulu,  haven't  I  some  mail  somewhere 
about? 

LULU 

Yes,  there's  a  letter  there.    I'll  get  it  for  you. 
[She  reaches  through  the  window.] 

DWIGHT 
A-ha !    An  epistle  from  my  dear  brother  Ninian. 

INA 
Oh,  from  Ninian,  Dwight  ? 

DWIGHT 

From  Ninian — the  husband  of  Miss  Lulu  Bett.  .  .  „ 
You  opened  the  letter  ?  .  .  .  Your  sister  has  been 
opening  my  mail. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
But,  D wight,  if  it's  from  Nihian 

DWIGHT 
It  is  my  mail. 

INA 
Well,  what  does  he  say  ? 

D'WIGHT 

I  shall  read  the  letter  in  my  own  time.  My  present 
concern  is  this  disregard  for  my  wishes.  What 
excuse  have  you  to  offer? 

LULU 
None. 

INA 

Dwight,  she  knows  what's  in  it  and  we  don't.    Hurry 
up. 

DWIGHT 
She  is  an  ungrateful  woman. 

[Opens  the  letter,  innth  the  clipping.] 

INA 

[Over  his  shoulder.] 
Ah !  .  .  .  Dwight,  then  he  was  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

M — m — m — m.  So  after  having  been  absent  with  my 
brother  for  a  month  you  find  that  you  were  not 
married  to  him. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

You  see,  Dwight,  he  told  the  truth.  He  did  have  an 
other  wife.  He  didn't  just  leave  me. 

DWIGHT 

But  this  seems  to  me  to  make  you  considerably  worse 
off  than  if  he  had. 

LULU 

Oh,  no!  No!  If  he  hadn't — hadn't  liked  me,  he 
wouldn't  have  told  me  about  her.  You  see  that, 
don't  you? 

DWIGHT 

That  your  apology?  .  .  .  Look  here,  Lulu!  This  Is 
a  bad  business.  The  less  you  say  about  it  the 
better  for  all  our  sakes.  You  see  that,  don't  you  ? 

LULU 

See  that  ?  Why,  no.  I  wanted  you  to  write  to  him  so 
I  could  tell  the  truth.  You  said  I  mustn't  tell  the 
truth  till  I  had  the  proofs. 

DWIGHT 
Tell  whom? 

LULU 
Tell  everybody.    I  want  them  to  know. 

DWIGHT 
Then  you  care  nothing  for  our  feelings  in  this  matter? 

[133] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 
LULU 


Your  feelings? 


DWIGHT 

How  this  will  reflect  on  us — it's  nothing  to  you  that  we 
have  a  brother  who's  a  bigamist? 

LULU 
But  it's  me — it's  me. 

D'WIGHT 

You!  You're  completely  out  of  it.  You've  nothing 
more  to  say  about  it  whatever.  Just  let  it  be  as 
it  is  ...  drop  it.  That's  all  I  suggest. 

LULU 
I  want  people  to  know  the  truth. 

DWIGHT 

But  it's  nobody's  business  but  our  business  .  .  .  for 
all  our  sakes  let  us  drop  this  matter  .  .  .  Now  I 
tell  you,  Lulu — here  are  three  of  us.  Our  inter 
ests  are  the  same  in  this  thing — only  Ninian  is 
our  relative  and  he's  nothing  to  you  now.  Is  he? 

LULU 
Why 

D'WIGHT 

Let's  have  a  vote.  Your  snap  judgment  is  to  tell  this 
disgraceful  fact  broadcast.  Mine  is,  least  said 
soonest  mended.  What  do  you  say,  Ina  ? 

[134] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 

Oh,  goodness — if  we  get  mixed  up  in  a  scandal  like 
this  we'll  never  get  away  from  it.  Why,  I 
wouldn't  have  people  know  of  it  for  worlds. 

DWIGHT 

Exactly.  Ina  has  stated  it  exactly.  Lulu,  I  think  you 
should  be  reconciled. 

INA 

My  poor  poor  sister!  Oh,  Dwight!  when  I  think  of 
it — what  have  I  done,  what  have  we  done — that 
I  should  have  a  good  kind  loving  husband — be 
so  protected,  so  loved,  when  other  women  .  .  . 
Darling!  You  know  how  sorry  I  am — we  all 

LULU 

Then  give  me  the  only  thing  I've  got — that's  my  pride. 
My  pride  that  he  didn't  want  to  get  rid  of  me. 

DWIGHT 

What  about  my  pride?  Do  you  think  I  want  every 
body  to  know  that  my  brother  did  a  thing  like 
that? 

LULU 
You  can't  help  that. 

DWIGHT 

But  I  want  you  to  help  it,  I  want  you  to  promise  me 
that  you  won't  shame  us  like  this  before  all  our 
friends. 

[135] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
You  want  me  to  promise  what? 

DWIGHT 

I  want  you—  I  ask  you  to  promise  me  that  you  will 
keep  this  with  us  —  a  family  secret 

LULU 

No  !  No  !  I  won't  do  it  !  I  won't  do  it  !  I  won't  do 
it! 

DWIGHT 
You  refuse  to  do  this  small  thing  for  us? 

LULU 

Can't  you  understand  anything?  I've  lived  here  all 
my  life  —  on  your  money.  I've  not  been  strong 
enough  to  work  they  say  —  well,  but  I've  been 
strong  enough  to  be  a  hired  girl  in  your  house  — 
and  I've  been  glnd  to  pny  -for-my  Keep.  .  .  .  But 
there  wasn't  a  thing^afrout  it  that  I  liked.  Noth 
ing  about  being  hefe  that  I  liked.  .  .  .  Well,  then 
I  got  a  little  >«omething,  same  as  other  folks.  Q 
thought  I  was  married  and  I  went  off  on  the 
train  and  he  bought  me  things  and  I  saw  differ 
ent  towns.  And  then  it  was  all  a  mistake. 


didn'r*hai(eany_pj  .it.-Tl  came  back  here  and 
went  into  your  kitchen  again  —  I  don't  know  why 
I  came  back.  I  suppose  it's  because  I'm  most  thir 
ty-four  and  new  things  ain't  so  easy  any  more  — 
but  what  have  I  got  or  what'll  I  ever  have?  And 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

now  you  wint  to  put  on  to  me  having  folks  look 
at  me  and  think  he  run^off  and  left  me  and  hav 
ing  them  afl  wonder.  (l.  can't  stand  it.  I  can't 
stand  it.  I  can'trTj.  . 

DWIGHT 

You'd  rather  they'd  know  he  fooled  you  when  he  had 
another  wife? 

LULU 

Yes.  Because  he  wanted  me.  How  do  I  know — may 
be  he  wanted  me  only  just  because  he  was  lone 
some,  the  way  I  was.  I  don't  care  why.  And 
I  won't  have  folks  think  he  went  and  left  me. 

DWIGHT 
That  is  wicked  vanity. 

LULU 

That's  the  truth.  Well,  why  can't  they  know  the 
truth? 

DWIGHT 
And  bring  disgrace  on  us  all? 

LULU 

It's  me — It's  me 

DWIGHT 
You — you — you — you're  always  thinking  of  yourself. 

LULU 

Who  else  thinks  of  me.  And  who  do  you  think  of — 
who  do  you  think  of,  Dwight?  I'll  tell  you  that, 

[137] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

because  I  know  you  better  than  any  one  else  in  the 
world  knows  you — better  even  than  Ina.  A'nd  I 
know  that  you'd  sacrifice  Ina,  Di,  mother,  Mon- 
ona,  Ninian — everybody,  just  to  your  own  idea 
of  who  you  are.  You're  one  of  the  men  who 
can  smother  a  whole  family  and  not  even  know 
you're  doing  it. 

DWIGHT 
You  listen  to  me.    It's  Ninian  I'm  thinking  about. 

LULU 
Ninian.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

Yes,  yes  .  .  .  Ninian!  ...  Of  course  if  you  don't 
care  what  happens  to  him,  it  doesn't  matter. 

LULU 
What  do  you  mean  ? 

DWIGHT 
If  you  don't  love  him  any  more.  .  .  . 

LULU 
You  know  I  love  him.     I'll  always  love  him. 

DWIGHT 

That's  likely.     A  woman  doesn't  send  the  man  she 
loves  to  prison. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  send  him  to  prison !  Why,  he's  brought  me  the  only 
happiness  I've  ever  had.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

But  prison  is  just  where  he'll  go  and  you'll  be  the  one 
to  send  him  there. 

LULU 
Oh!    That  couldn't  be.  ...  That  couldn't  be.  ... 

DWIGHT 

Don't  you  realize  that  bigamy  is  a  crime?  If  you  tell 
this  thing  he'll  go  to  prison  .  .  .  nothing  can  save 
him. 

LULU 
I  never  thought  of  that.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

It's  time  you  did  think.  Now  will  you  promise  to 
keep  this  with  us,  a  family  secret  ? 

LULU 
Yes.     I  promise. 

DWIGHT 
You  will?  .  .  . 

LULU 
Yes  ...  I  will. 

DWIGHT 

A  .  .  .  h.  You'll  be  happy  some  day  to  think  you've 
done  this  for  us,  Lulu. 

[139] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
I  s'pose  so.  ... 

INA 

This  makes  up  for  everything.    My  sweet  self-sacrific 
ing  sister! 

LULU 
Oh,  stop  that ! 

INA 
Oh,  the  pity  of  it  ...  the  pity  of  it!  .  .  . 

LULU 

Don't  you  go  around  pitying  me !    I'll  have  you  know 
I'm  glad  the  whole  thing  happened. 

CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

THE  SAME.     Discover  MRS.  BETT,  tidying  the  porch 
and  singing.    It  is  the  following  morning. 
[Enter  LULU  with  bag.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Where  you  going  now,  for  pity  sakes? 

LULU 

Mother.  Now,  mother  darling,  listen  and  try  to  under 
stand. 

MRS.  BETT 
Well,  I  am  listening,  Lulie. 

LULU 

Mother,  I  can't  stay  here.  I  can't  stay  here  any  longer. 
I've  got  to  get  clear  away  from  Dwight  and  Ina. 

MRS.  BETT 
You  want  to  live  somewhere  else,  Lulie? 

LULU 

I  can't  live  here  and  have  people  think  Ninian  left  me. 
I  can't  tell  the  truth  and  bring  disgrace  on  Ninian. 
And  I  can't  stay  here  in  Dwight's  kitchen  a  day 
longer.  Oh,  mother!  I  wish  you  could  see 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Why,  Lulie,  I  do  see  that. 

LULU 
You  do,  mother? 

MRS.  BETT 
I've  often  wondered  why  you  didn't  go  before. 

LULU 
Oh,  mother,  you  dear 

MRS.  BETT 

You  needn't  think  because  I'm  old  I  don't  know  a 
thing  or  two. 

LULU 
You  want  me  to  go  ? 

MRS.  BETT 

It's  all  I  can  do  for  you  now,  Lulie.  Just  to  want  you 
to  go.  I'm  old  and  I'm  weak  and  I  can't  keep 
care  of  you  like  when  you  was  little. 

LULU 
Oh,  mother,  I'm  so  glad! 

MRS.  BETT 
I  ain't  exactly  glad 

LULU 

Dearest,  I  mean  I  was  so  afraid  you  wouldn't  under 
stand 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

Why  wouldn't  I  understand,  I'd  like  to  know?  You 
speak  like  I  didn't  have  a  brain  in  my  skull. 

LULU 

No,  dear,  but 

MRS.  BETT 

You  mind  me,  Lulie,  and  go  on.  Go  on.  .  .  .  Say, 
scat's  sake,  you  can't  go.  You  ain't  got  any 
money. 

LULU 
Yes,  mother,  I  have.    I've  got  twelve  dollars. 

MRS.  BETT 
And  I  ain't  got  much.    Only  enough  to  bury  me  nice. 

LULU 

Don't  you  worry,  mother.  I'll  be  all  right.  I'll  get 
work. 

MRS.  BETT 

Mother  wants  to  help  you.  Here,  Lulie,  you  take  my 
funeral  fifty.  Joke  on  D wight  to  make  him  bury 
me. 

LULU 
Oh,  no,  mother,  I  couldn't. 

MRS.  BETT 
You  mind  me,  Lulie.     Do  as  mother  tells  you. 

LULU 

Mother,  dearest!  Oh,  I  wish  I  could  take  you  with 
me! 

[143] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

You  needn't  to  worry  about  me.    If  I  get  lonesome  I 
can  give  Dwight  the  dickens. 

LULU 

Good-by — dear — good-by.     I'll  go  the  back  way,  they 
won't  see  me. 
[LuLu  kisses  her  and  turns  away.    Left.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie.    Mother  loves  you.    You  know  that,  don't  you? 

LULU 
Dearest,  yes — v?s,  I  do  know. 

[She  g&es.     MRS.  BETT  trembles,  turns,  sees  her 
dust  cloth,  goes  on  working  and  begins  to  hum.] 
[Enter  DWIGHT.] 

DWIGHT 
Ready  for  breakfast,  Mama  Bett  ? 

MRS.  BETT 
No,  I  ain't  ready. 

DWIGHT 

Neither  is  the  breakfast.     Lulu  must  be  having  the 
tantrim. 

MRS.  BETT 
I  s'pose  you  think  that's  funny. 

DWIGHT 

Lulu  ought  to  think  of  you — old  folks  ought  to  have 
regular  meals 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Old?     Old?     Me,  old? 

DWIGHT 

Well,  you're  hungry.    That's  what  makes  you  so  cross, 
Mama  Bett. 

MRS.  BETT 
All  you  think  of  is  food,  anyhow. 

DWIGHT 

Who  has  a  better  right?    Who  provides  the  food  we 
eat? 

MRS.  BETT 
That's  all  you're  good  for. 

DWIGHT 

Well,  I  may  not  amount  to  much  in  this  old  world  of 
ours  but  I  flatter  myself  I'm  a  good  provider. 

MRS.  BETT 
If  I  was  going  to  brag  I'd  brag  original. 

DWIGHT 

You  mustn't  talk  like  that.    You  know  you're  my  best 
girl. 

MRS.  BETT 
Don't  you  best-girl  me. 

DWIGHT 
There,  there,  there.  .  .  . 

[1451 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

Now  look  at  you.    Walking  all  over  me  like  I  wasn't 
here — like  I  wasn't  nowhere. 

DWIGHT 
Now,  Mama  Bett,  you're  havin'  the  tantrim. 

MRS.  BETT 

Am  I  ?    All  right  then  I  am.    What  you  going  to  do 
about  it?    How  you  going  to  stop  me? 

DWIGHT 

Now,  now,  now,  now.  .  .  . 
[Enter  INA.] 

INA 

D wight,  I  can't  think  what's  happened  to  Lulu.  Break 
fast  isn't  even  started. 

DWIGHT 

Lulu  must  be  having  a  rendezvous. 
[Grandma  snorts.] 

INA 
That's  randevoo,  Dwightie.     Not  rendezvous. 

DWIGHT 
You  two  are  pretty  particular,  seems  to  me. 

MRS.  BETT 

Oh,  no !    We  ain't  used  to  the  best. 
[Di  is  at  the  door.} 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 
Hello,  family!    What's  the  matter  with  breakfast? 

MRS.  BETT 
There  ain't  any. 

INA 

Di,  let's  you  and  I  get  breakfast  just  to  show  Aunt 
Lulu  that  we  can. 

MRS.  BETT 

Say  if  you  two  are  going  to  get  breakfast,  I'll  go  over 
to  Grandma  Gates  for  a  snack. 
[Enter  MONONA.] 

MONONA 

What  do  you  s'pose?    Aunt  Lulu's  trunk  is  locked  and 
strapped  in  her  room. 

INA 
Monona,  stop  imagining  things. 

MONONA 

Well,  it  is.    And  I  saw  her  going  down  the  walk  with 
her  satchel  when  I  was  washing  me. 

DWIGHT 
Lulu  must  be  completely  out  of  her  mind. 

MRS.  BETT 
First  time  I've  known  her  to  show  good  sense  in  years. 

[147] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Why,  mama! 

DWIGHT 
Mother  Bett,  do  you  know  where  Lulu  is? 

MRS.  BETT 
Mother  knows  a-plenty. 

INA 
Mama,  what  do  you  mean? 

MRS.  BETT 

I  know  all  about  Lulie  being  gone.     She  went  this 
morning.     I  told  her  to  go. 

INA 

Why,  mama!     How  can  you  talk  so!  When  Dwight 
has  been  so  good  to  you  and  Lulu.  .  .  . 

MRS.  BETT 

Good,  yes,  he's  give  us  a  pillow  and  a  baked  po 
tato 

DWIGHT 

So !    You  and  Lulu  presume  to  upset  the  arrangement 
of  my  household  without  one  word  to  me. 

MRS.  BETT 
Upset,  upset —    You  cockroach!  .  .  . 

INA 

Monona!     Stop  listening.     Now  run  away  and  play. 
Di,  you  go  and  begin  breakfast. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

Di 

Yes,  mummy. 

MONONA 
Aw,  let  me  stay. 

INA 

[Exeunt  Di  and  MONONA.] 
Go  at  once,  children. 

Mother,  you  ought  not  to  use  such  language  before 
young  people. 

MRS.  BETT 

Don't  you  think  they're  fooled.  What  do  you  suppose 
Di  was  going  to  run  away  with  Bobby  Larkin 
for,  only  to  get  away  from  you. 

DWIGHT 
Mother  Bett! 

MRS.  BETT 

What  do  you  suppose  Lulu  married  Ninian  for — 
only  to  get  shed  of  both  of  you. 

INA 

Oh  please,  please,  somebody  think  a  little  bit  of  me. 
Dwight,  do  go  after  Lulu — go  to  the  depot — she 
couldn't  get  away  before  the  8:37. 

DWIGHT 
My  dear  Ina,  my  dignity 

INA 

Oh,  please  do  go ! 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Oh,  my  heavens!  what  a  house  full  of  women 

INA 
Dwight,  we  can't  get  along  without  Lulu. 

DWIGHT 

Upsetting  things  about  my  ears.  .  .  . 
,   [Exit.} 

INA 

Mama,  I  do  think  it's  too  bad  of  you — oh!  now  I'll 
try  to  get  some  breakfast. 
[£***.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Going  to  try  to,  he-e ! 
[Enter  MONONA.] 

MONONA 
Oh,  grandma  isn't  it  fun  with  so  much  going  on ! 

MRS.  BETT 
What's  that,  you  little  ape? 

MONONA 

Oh,   I  just  love  it!     Everybody  makes  such  funny 
faces. 

MRS.  BETT 

Some  people  are  born  with  funny  faces.     Monona, 
ain't  you  ever  going  to  grow  up  ? 
[150] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

Grandma,  I  am  grown  up. 

MRS.  BETT 
You  don't  act  like  it. 

MONONA 
Well,  grown  folks  don't  neither. 

MRS.  BETT 
Sh-hh-hhh,  stop  talking  back  to  me. 

9  MONONA 

Everybody  shushes  me.     If  I  don't  talk,  how'll  they 
know  I'm  there? 

MRS.  BETT 

I  guess  they  could  bear  up  if  they  didn't  know  you  was 
there. 

MONONA 

I'd  better  get  in,  or  I'll  catch  it. 
[ MONONA  sings  a  silly  song.] 

MRS.  BETT 

[Rocking  in  rhythm  with  the  song."] 
Scot's  sake,  what  am  I  doing !    Them  wicked  words. 
[Enter  Di.] 

Di 

Monona,  mama  wants  you. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

Fd  better  go  or  I'll  catch  it.    I'll  catch  it  anyway • 

[Exit,) 

[Enter  NINIAN.] 

Di 

Uncle  Ninian!    Well  it's  just  about  time  you  showed 
up. 

NINIAN 
You're  right,  Di.    But  I  came  as  soon  as  I  could. 

Di 

You  might  as  well  know.     I  think  you're  a  perfect 
slunge. 

MRS.  BETT 
Land  sakes! 

NINIAN 
Mrs.  Bett. 

MRS.  BETT 

Don't  you  come  near  me!     Don't  you  speak  to  me! 
You  whited  centipede! 

NINIAN 
That's  what  I  expected  and  that's  what  I  deserve. 

MRS.  BETT 
Move  on!     Move  on! 

NINIAN 
Let  me  tell  you  something  first,  Mother  Bett. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
Don't  you  ^'mother"  me. 

NlNIAN 

Yes,  that's  just  what  I  mean,  Mother  Bett.  I've  found 
that  the  woman  I  married  died  in  Rio  years  ago. 
Here's  a  letter  from  the  consul. 

MRS.  BETT 

Dead?  Ain't  that  nice!  But  what  ailed  you  all  the 
time  ?  A'  man  with  any  get-up-and-get  would  have 
known  that  all  along. 

NlNTAN 

I'm  not  excusing  myself  any,  Mother  Bett. 

MRS.  BETT 

Well,  perhaps  you're  as  good  as  you  know  how  to  be. 
Anyway,  your  mother's  responsible  for  a  good 
deal  without  counting  you. 

NlNIAN 

Mother  Bett,  where  is  Lulu? 

MRS.  BETT 
Who,  Lulie?    Oh,  she's  run  away. 

NlNIAN 

What  do  you  say? 

MRS.  BETT 

She's  gone  off  on  the  train  this  morning.  I  told  her 
to  go. 

[153] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

Mother  Bett,  Mother  Bett — where  has  she  gone? 

MRS.  BETT 
Gone  to  call  her  soul  her  own,  I  guess. 

NlNIAN 

But  Mother  Bett,  where  did  Lulu  go? 

MRS.  BETT 
She  might  be  at  the  depot. 

NlNIAN 

Can  I  catch  her? 

MRS.  BETT 

You  can  catch  her  if  ye  can  run  in  them  white- 
mittens. 

NlNIAN 

Run?    Watch  me. 
[Exit  running.'] 

Di 
Oh!     Grandma,  isn't  it  just  too  romantic? 

MRS.  BETT 

What  do  you  mean — rheumatic? 
[Enter  MONONA.] 

MONONA 
Breakfast's  ready,  grandma. 

MRS.  BETT 
Breakfast!    I  wouldn't  know  coffee  from  flapjacks. 

[154] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

I've  been  catching  it  all  morning  and  I  didn't  do  a 
thing. 

MRS.  BETT 
What's  that,  little  ape? 

MONONA 

Grandma,  honestly,  do  you  see  why  because  Aunt 
Lulu  ran  away  the  whole  family  should  pick  on 
me? 

MRS.  BETT 
Come  here,  you  poor  neglected  child! 

MONONA 

Mama's  getting  breakfast  and  she's  burned  all  over 
and  she's  so  cross — m-m-m.  Why  here  she  comes 
now! 

MRS.  BETT 
Who? 

Di 
Aunt  Lulu ! 

[Enter  LULU.] 

LULU 
Mother 

MONONA 
Oh,  goody — now  they'll  pick  on  you  instead  of  me. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 
[Softly.] 

Monona !  You  run  down  the  road  as  tight  as  you  can 
and  catch  your  Uncle  Ninian  quick —  Sh-sh- 

MONONA 

Uncle  Ninian!    Oh-^oh! 
[Exit.} 

LULU 
Mother — what  do  you  think  I've  heard? 

MRS.  BETT 
Land  knows!  my  head's  whirlin'.     Who  found  you? 

LULU 
Found  me? 

MRS.  BETT 

I  can  count  up  to  'leven  in  this  house  that's  went  after 
you  or  went  after  them  that  went  after  them — 
Oh  land!  .  .  . 

LULU 

Mother,  the  station  agent  said  to  me  just  now  when 
I  went  to  buy  my  ticket,  he  said,  "You  just  missed 
your  husband.  He  went  hurrying  up  the  street" 
I  couldn't  go  till  I  knew. 

Di 
Why,  Aunt  Lulu,  haven't  you  heard 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MRS.  BETT 

Sh-h-h-h —    Leave  it  burst. 
[Enter  DWIGHT.] 

DWIGHT 

So  ...  after  making  me  traipse  all  over  town  for 
you  and  before  breakfast.  .  .  .  What  is  the  mean 
ing  of  this,  Lulu?  Answer  me. 

MRS.  BETT 

Sit  down,  Dwight.  Take  off  your  hat  why  don't  you  ? 
[Enter  INA.] 

INA 

Forevermore. 

LULU 
Were  you  looking  for  me,  Dwight? 

DWIGHT 
What  about  our  breakfast,  may  I  ask? 

LULU 

Haven't  you  had  your  breakfast,  Dwight?  I  had 
mine  in  the  bakery. 

MRS.  BETT 
In  the  bakery !    On  expense ! 

INA 

Lulu,  where  have  you  been? 

LULU 
How  good  of  you  to  miss  me! 

[157] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Lulu,  you  don't  act  like  yourself 

LULU 

That's  the  way  I  heard  the  women  talk  in  Savannah, 
Georgia.  "So  good  of  you  to  miss  me." 

DWIGHT 
Lulu,  let's  have  no  more  of  this  nonsense.  .  .  . 

LULU 

Whose  nonsense,  Dwight?  I've  left  your  home  for 
good  and  all.  I'm  going  somewhere  else  to  work. 

INA 

Why,  Lulu,  what  will  people  think  of  Dwight  and  me 
if  we  let  you  do  that? 

DWIGHT 

So  you  thought  better  of  the  promise  you  made  to  us 
last  evening  not  to  tell  our  affairs  broadcast. 

LULU 

Your  affairs?  No,  Dwight,  you  can  tell  them  any 
thing  you  like  when  I'm  gone. 

INA 

How  am  I  ever  going  to  keep  house  without  you? 
Dwight,  you've  simply  got  to  make  her  stay. 
When  I  think  of  what  I  went  through  while  she 
was  away  .  .  .  everything  boils  over,  and  what 
I  don't  expect  to  b-b-boil  b-b-burns.  Sister,  how 
can  you  be  so  cruel  when  Dwight  and  I 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Patience,  patience,  pettie  .  .  .  Lulu,  I  ask  you  to  stay 
here  where  you  belong. 

LULU 
No,  Dwight,  I'm  through. 

- 

DWIGHT 

So,  sister  mine,  have  you  found  some  other  man  will 
ing  to  run  away  with  you? 

LULU 

That  will  do,  Dwight.  You've  pretended  so  long  you 
can't  be  honest  with  yourself,  any  of  the  time. 
Your  whole  life  is  a  lie. 

MRS.  BETT 
Save  your  breath,  Lulie. 

[Enter  MONONA  with  NINIAN.] 

DWIGHT 

At  least,  Miss  Lulu  Bett,  neither  Ina  nor  I  ever  had 
to  lie  about  our  marriage. 

MONONA 
Here  he  is,  grandma. 

LULU 
Oh.  ... 

NINIAN 
What's  that  your  saying,  Dwight? 

[159] 


MISS  LULU  BETT, 

INA 
Forevermore ! 

LULU 

Ninian.  .  .  . 

NlNIAN 

Lulu.  ...  So  I  didn't  miss  you. 

DWIGHT 

Ha!  ha!  ...  The  happy  bridegroom  comes  at  last 
What's  the  meaning  of  this,  Ninian? 

NINIAN 

I'll  bet  he's  made  life  beautiful  for  you  since  you  got 
back.  Anything  more  to  say,  D wight? 

DWIGHT 

Yes,  Lulu  was  planning  to  run  away.  ...  I  was  tell 
ing  her  she'd  better  stay  here  at  home  where  she'd 
have  us  to  stand  by  her. 

NINIAN 

Yes,  I've  heard  how  you  stood  by  her.  You're  a  mag 
nificent  protector,  you  are! 

DWIGHT 

Look  here,  Nin,  don't  you  feel  that  you  have  to  sacri 
fice  yourself.  Lulu  is  well  enough  off  here. 

INA 

She  was  quite  happy  until  you  came,  Ninian. 

[160] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

NlNIAN 

You  hypocrites ! 

MRS.  BETT 
Hypocrites!    He-e! 

INA 
Children,  stop  listening  to  older  people. 

Di 
Oh,  mama!  .  .  . 

MONONA 
[Crying.] 

Oh  ...  Let  me  stay! 

INA 

Children!  .  .  . 

[Exeunt  Di  and  MONONA.] 
Ninian,  how  can  you  say  such  things  to  us! 

NlNIAN 

Lulu  has  suffered  as  much  from  you  as  she  has  from 

me. 

MRS.  BETT 
That's  right,  Ninian.     Plain  talk  won't  hurt  nobody 

around  here. 

NINIAN 
Lulu,  can  you  forgive  me? 

LULU 

But  Cora  Waters  .  .  .  what  of  her? 

[161] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Yes,  what  about  your  other  wife? 

NlNIAN 

I  haven't  any  other  wife — just  Lulu. 

MRS.  BETT 
Cora  Waters  is  dead.     I  knew  it  all  along. 

LULU 
Ninian,  is  it  true? 

NlNIAN 

Yes,  it's  true. 

MRS.  BETT 
He's  Confided  in  his  mother.    He  told  me  all  about  it. 

NINIAN 
Will  you  come  back  to  me,  Lulu? 

MRS.  BETT 

Better  take  him,  Lulie.     You  can  have  that  fifty  to 
furnish  up  the  parlor. 

LULU 
Oh,  mother!    I  wish  we  could  have  you  with  us. 

NINIAN 
Do  you  forgive  me? 

LULU 
I  forgave  you  in  Savannah,  Georgia. 

CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

[As  originally  produced  December  2?,  1920.] 


ACT  III 

THE  PIANO  STORE:    Empty,  bare,  three  or  four  up 
right  pianos  with  bright  plush  spreads  and  plush- 
covered  stools.     Back,  a  dark  green  sateen  cur 
tain.     It  is  the  following  morning. 
[Discover  CORNISH  at  a  little  table,  on  which  is 

opened  a  large  black  book.] 
[Enter  MONONA,  carrying  basket  of  parcels.] 

MONONA 
Oh,  Mr.  Cornish.  .  .  . 

CORNISH 
Hello,  there,  Monona!    How's  everything? 

MONONA 
Everything's  perfectly  awful  up  to  our  house. 

CORNISH 
Miss  Lulu's  all  right,  I  hope? 

MONONA 
Aunt  Lulu  is 

CORNISH 

There!    I  knew  it.     I  know  this  thing  was  going  to 
wind  up  in  a  fit  of  sickness 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

MONONA 

Sick.  ...  No.     She's  gone. 

CORNISH 
Gone!     Miss  Lulu  gone? 

MONONA 
Run  away. 

CORNISH 
Oh,  with  who? 

MONONA 

Nobody,  I  guess.  She  skipped  out  of  the  house  early 
this  morning.  It  was  me  saw  her  going  down  the 
walk  with  her  bag.  It  was  me  told  everybody. 
It  was  me  found  her  trunk  packed  and  locked  in 
her  room.  That's  all. 

CORNISH 

This  is  terrible,  terrible — and  your  people  not  home 
yet? 

MONONA 
I  should  say  they  are.    Came  last  night. 

CORNISH 
But  what  are  they  doing  to  find  her? 

MONONA 

Papa  said  he  wouldn't  do  a  thing.  Mamma's  been 
getting  breakfast  and  she's  burned  all  over,  and 
she's  so  cross — m-m ! 

[166] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 

Yes,  but  aren't  they  trying  to  find  Lulu — your  Aunt 
Lulu 

MONONA 

Grandma  says  she  knows  she's  dead.  Probably  she's 
drowned  in  the  river  and  they'll  get  her  out  with 
her  hair  all  stringy 

CORNISH 

See  here.  I  think  I'll  come  up  to  your  house.  I'll 
put  a  little  notice  on  my  door 

MONONA 

I  better  go  now.  I'll  catch  it  anyhow.  I've  been  catch 
ing  it  all  the  morning  and  I  didn't  do  a  thing. 
Mr.  Cornish,  honestly,  do  you  see  why,  because 
Aunt  Lulu  ran  away,  the  whole  family  should 
pick  on  me? 

CORNISH 
Well,  we  must  all  help  as  much  as  we  can,  Monona 

MONONA 

Up  to  our  house,  honestly,  you'd  think  I  was  the  one 
that  had  done  it.    And  I  may! 
[Exit,  running, ,] 

CORNISH 
I'll  be  right  there,  as  soon  as  I  can  lock  up. 

[He     disappears     behind     the    green    curtain. 

Pause."] 
[Enter  LULU.] 

[167! 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Mr.  Cornish.     Mr.  Cornish. 
[CORNISH  appears.] 

CORNISH 
Well! 

LULU 
Well! 

CORNISH 
You're  out  early. 

LULU 
Oh,  no! 

CORNISH 
My,  but  I'm  glad  to  see  you.    Won't  you  sit  down? 

LULU 

I  can  only  stay  a  minute.    Wasn't  that  Monona  just 
went  out  of  here? 

CORNISH 
Yes,  that  was  Monona. 

LULU 
Did  she  say  anything  about  me? 

CORNISH 

She — she  said  you'd  run  away.    She — she  must  have 
been  mistaken. 

LULU 
No,  she  wasn't.     I  have. 

[168] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
Why,  Miss  Lulu! 

LULU 

Or  I'm  going  on  the  10:10.  My  bag's  in  the  bakery. 
I  had  my  breakfast  in  the  bakery.  .  .  .  I've  left 
them  for  good. 

CORNISH 

Then  I  suppose  he  cut  up  like  a  hyena  over  that  letter 
being  opened. 

LULU 
Oh,  he  forgave  me  that. 

CORNISH 
Forgave  you! 

LULU 
Overlooked  it,  rather. 

CORNISH 

Anyway  he's  convinced  now  about  that  other  Mrs. 
Ninian  Deacon? 

LULU 

Yes,  but  you  mustn't  say  anything  about  that,  please, 
ever. 

CORNISH 

Even  now?  Well,  I'll  be  jumped  up.  Even  now? 
Then — I  guess  I  see  why  you're  going. 

LULU 

It  isn't  only  that.     I'm  going  .  .  .  I'm  going! 

[169] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
I  see.    Would — would  you  tell  me  where? 

LULU 
Maybe.     After  a  while. 

CORNISH 
I  do  want  you  to.    Because  I — I  think  you're  a  brick. 

LULU 
Oh,  no! 

CORNISH 

Yes,  you  are.  By  George!  you  don't  find  very  many 
married  women  with  as  good  sense  as  you've  got. 
That  is,  I  mean 

LULU 
All  right.     I  know.    Thank  you. 

CORNISH 

You've  been  a  jewel  in  their  home — I  know  that 
They're  going  to  miss  you  no  end. 

LULU 
They'll  miss  my  cooking. 

CORNISH 

They'll  miss  more  than  that.  I've  watched  you 
there.  .  . 

LULU 
You  have? 

[170] 


MISS  LULU  BETX 

CORNISH 
You  made  the  whole  place  go. 

LULU 
You  don't  mean  just  the  cooking? 

CORNISH 
No. 

LULU 

I  never  had  but  one  compliment  before  that  wasn't  for 
my  cooking.  He  told  me  I  done  up  my  hair 
nice.  .  .  .  That  was  after  I  took  notice  how  the 
ladies  in  Savannah,  Georgia,  done  up  theirs. 

CORNISH 
Well,  well,  well!  .  .  . 

LULU 
I  must  go  now.    I  wanted  to  say  good-by  to  you.  .  .  . 

CORNISH 
I  hate  to  have  you  go.    I — I  hate  to  have  you  go. 

LULU 
Oh,  well! 

CORNISH 
Look  here,  I  wish — I  wish  you  weren't  going. 

LULU 
Do  you?    Good-by. 

CORNISH 
Can't  I  come  to  the  depot  with  you? 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
You  can't  leave  the  store  alone. 

CORNISH 
Yes.    I'll  put  a  little  notice  on  the  door.  .  .  . 

LULU 
No.    That  would  be  bad  for  the  business.    Good-by. 

CORNISH 

Good-by,    Miss    Lulu!      Good-by,    good-by,    good- 
by!  .  .  . 

LULU 
There's  something  else.     I'm  going  to  tell  you — I 

don't  care  what  Dwight  says. 

[Takes  letter  from  her  handbag. ,] 
As  long  as  I  told  you  the  other  part,  I'm  going  to 

tell  you  this. 

CORNISH 
I  want  to  know  everything  you'll  let  me  know. 

LULU 

See — at  the  office  this  morning  was  this.     It's  from 
Ninian. 

CORNISH 
Well,  I  should  think  he'd  better  write. 

LULU 

Nobody  must  know.    It  was  bad  enough  for  the  family 
before,  but  now  .  .  .  here  it  is : 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

".  .  .  just  want  you  to  know  you're  actually 
rid  of  me.     I've  heard  from  her,  in  Brazil. 
She  ran  out  of  money  and  thought  of  me, 
and  her  lawyer  wrote  to  me.  .  .  ." 
...  he  incloses  the  lawyer's  letter. 
"I've  never  been  any  good — Dwight  would  tell 
you  that  if  his  pride  would  let  him  tell  the 
truth  once  in  a  while.     But  there  isn't  any 
thing  in  my  life  makes  me  feel  as  bad  as 
this.  .  .  ." 

.  .  .  well,  that  part  doesn't  matter.    But  you  see. 

He  didn't  lie  to  get  rid  of  me — and  she  was  alive 

just  as  he  thought  she  might  be ! 

CORNISH 
And  you're  free  now. 

LULU 

That's  so— I  am.    I  hadn't  thought  of  that.  .  .  .  It's 
late.     Now  I'm  really  going.    Good-by. 

CORNISH 
Don't  say  good-by. 

LULU 

It's  nearly  train  time. 

CORNISH 

Don't  you  go.  ...  Do  you  think  you  could  possibly 
stay  here  with  me? 

[173] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Oh! ... 

CORNISH 

I  haven't  got  anything.  I  guess  maybe  you've  heard 
something  about  a  little  something  I'm  supposed 
to  inherit.  Well,  it's  only  five  hundred  dol 
lars.  .  .  .  That  little  Warden  house — it  don't  cost 
much — you'd  be  surprised.  Rent,  I  mean.  I  can 
get  it  now.  I  went  and  looked  at  it  the  other  day 
but  then  I  didn't  think  .  .  .  well,  I  mean,  it  don't 
cost  near  as  much  as  this  store.  We  could  fur 
nish  up  the  parlor  with  pianos  .  .  .  that  is,  if  you 
could  ever  think  of  such  a  thing  as  marrying  me. 

LULU 
But — you  know!    Why,  don't  the  disgrace 

CORNISH 
What  disgrace? 

LULU 
Oh,  you — you — = — 

CORNISH 

There's  only  this  about  that.  Of  course,  if  you  loved 
him  very  much  then  I  ought  not  to  be  talking  this 
way  to  you.  But  I  didn't  think 

LULU 
You  didn't  think  what? 

CORNISH 

That  you  did  care  so  very  much  about  him.  I  don't 
know  why. 

[174] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

I  wanted  somebody  of  my  own.  That's  the  reason 
I  done  what  I  done.  I  know  that  now. 

CORNISH 

I  figured  that  way.  .  .  .  Look  here,  I  ought  to  tell 
you.     I'm — I'm  awful  lonesome  myself.     This  is 
no  place  to  live.     Look — look  here. 
[He  draws  the  green  curtain,  revealing  the  mean 

little  cot  and  washstand.] 

I  guess  living  so  is  one  reason  why  I  want  to  get 
married.  I  want  some  kind  of  a  home. 

LULU 
Of  course. 

CORNISH 
I  ain't  never  lived  what  you  might  say  private. 

LULU 

I've  lived  too  private. 
[Pause.] 

CORNISH 

Then  there's  another  thing.  I — I  don't  believe  I'm 
ever  going  to  be  able  to  do  anything  with  the  law. 

LULU 
I  don't  see  how  anybody  does. 

CORNISH 

And  I'm  not  much  good  in  a  business  way.  Some 
times  I  think  that  I  may  never  be  able  to  make 
any  money. 

[175] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 
Lots  of  men  don't. 

CORNISH 

Well,  there  it  is.  I'm  no  good  at  business.  I'll  never 
be  a  lawyer.  And — and  everything  I  say  sounds 
wrong  to  me.  And  yet  I  do  believe  that  I'd  know 
enough  not  to  bully  a  woman.  Not  to  make  her 
unhappy.  Maybe — even,  I  could  make  her  a  little 
happy. 

LULU 

Lots  of  men  do. 
[Voices.} 
[Enter  INA,  D WIGHT  and  MRS.  BETT.] 

INA 
Oh,  Dwight!  she's  still  here. 

DWIGHT 
So  this  is  where  we  find  our  Lulu! 

LULU 
Did  you  want  me,  Dwight? 

INA 

Want  you?    Why,  Lulu!  are  you  crazy?    Of  course 
we  want  you.     Why  aren't  you  home? 
[Nursing  her  wrist,  which  is  bandaged,  with  the 
other  hand,  which  is  bandaged,  too.] 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie,  Lulie,  we  thought  you'd  gone  off  again. 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

Mother,  darling.  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

Here  am  I  kept  home  from  the  office,  trying  my  best 
to  take  your  place.  You're  a  most  important  per 
sonage,  Miss  Lulu  Bett. 

LULU 
What  did  you  want  of  me? 

INA 
Want  of  you?    Why,  my  goodness.  ... 

DWIGHT 

If  you  had  tasted  bacon  fried  as  the  bacon  was  fried 
which  I  have  tasted  this  day ; 

* 

INA 

Oh,  Dwight,  that's  not  funny! 

DWIGHT 

No.  And  the  muffins  were  not  funny  either.  Yes 
they  were! 

LULU 
How  good  of  you  to  miss  me! 

INA 
Lulu,  you  don't  act  like  yourself. 

LULU 

That  was  the  way  I  heard  the  women  talk  in  Savannah, 
Georgia.  "So  good  of  you  to  miss  me." 

[177] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Lulu,  what  does  this  mean?  No  more  of  this  non 
sense. 

LULU 
Whose  nonsense,  Dwight? 

DWIGHT 

We  know  that  your  trunk  is  locked  and  strapped  in 
your  room  and  you  were  seen  going  down  the 
street  with  a  bag.  You  have  flown  here,  pre 
sumably  to  discuss  your  situation  with  an  out 
sider.  Is  this  fair  to  us  ? 

LULU 
What  do  you  want  me  to  do,  Dwight? 

INA 
Do  ?    Why,  we  want  you  to  come  home. 

LULU 
Home ! 

DWIGHT 
Also  to  explain  your  amazing  behavior. 

CORNISH 
May  I  do  that,  Miss  Lulu? 

LULU 

No — no  thank  you.  I  think  I'd  like  to  speak  for  my 
self.  Dwight,  I've  left  your  home  for  good  and 
all. 

[178] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

INA 
Sister.  .  .  . 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie  .  .  .  Lulie!  .  .  . 

DWIGHT 

Ah-ha!  You  have  thought  better  of  the  promise  you 
made  to  Ina  and  me  last  evening  not  to  tell  our 
affairs  broadcast. 

LULU 

I've  thought  no  better  of  it — and  no  worse.  I  couldn't. 
But  I've  been  thinking  of  something  else.  Of 
you,  Dwight. 

DWIGHT 
Ah— I'm  flattered. 

LULU 

.  .  .  Let  it  go  at  that.  ...  In  any  case,  I've  left  your 
home. 

INA 
But  where  are  you  going? 

LULU 
I  meant  to  go  somewhere  else  and  work. 

INA 

Go  somewhere  else  and  work.    Cook  ?    Lulu,  have  you 
no  consideration  for  Dwight  and  me  at  all  ?  What 
would  people  think  if  we  let  you  do  that  .  .  . 
[179] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

DWIGHT 

Patience,  patience,  pettie.  Let's  have  no  more  of  this, 
Lulu.  I  imagine  you're  not  quite  well.  Come 
home  with  us,  now,  there's  a  good  girl. 

LULU 
No,  Dwight. 

INA 

Lulu,  I  simply  can't  keep  house  without  you.  When  I 
think  of  going  through  with  what  I  went  through 
this  summer  while  you  were  away.  .  .  .  Every 
thing  b-boils  over  and  what  I  don't  expect  to 
b-boil  b-burns.  .  .  . 
[Sobs.] 

Dwightie,  you've  got  to  make  her  stay. 

DWIGHT 

Pettie — control  yourself.  .  .  .  Lulu,  I  ask  you,  I  im 
plore  you,  to  come  back  home  with  us. 

CORNISH 
Miss  Lulu.  .  .  . 

LULU 
Yes? 

CORNISH 
May  I  tell  them? 

LULU 

What  is  there  to  tell  them  ? 

[180] 


HISS  LULU  BETT 

CORNISH 
I  think  Miss  Lulu  and  I  are  going  to — arrange. 

LULU 
O  but  not  yet — not  yet. 

DWIGHT 

What — you  ?  You  and  Cornish  ?  I  should  think  not. 
How  can  you? 

LULU 

Cora  Waters  is  alive.  Ninian's  heard  from  her. 
There's  her  lawyer's  letter. 

INA 
Forevermore ! 

MRS.  BETT 

What  you  talking — what  you  talking.  I  want  to  know 
but  I  ain't  got  something  in  my  head.  .  .  .  Lulie, 
you  ain't  going  to  get  married  again,  are  you — 
after  waiting  so  long? 

DWIGHT 

Don't  be  disturbed,  Mother  Bett.  She  wasn't  married 
that  first  time.  No  marriage  about  it. 

INA 

Dwight!  If  Lulu  marries  Mr.  Cornish,  then  every- 
body'll  have  to  know  about  Ninian  and  his  other 
wife. 

[181] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

LULU 

That's  so.  You  would  have  to  tell,  wouldn't  you?  I 
never  thought  of  that.  Well — you  can  get  used 
to  the  idea  while  I'm  gone. 

DWIGHT 
Gone? 

INA 
Gone  where? 

MRS.  BETT 
Where  you  goin'  now,  for  pity  sakes? 

LULU 

Away.  I  thought  I  wanted  somebody  of  my  own. 
Well,  maybe  it  was  just  myself. 

DWIGHT 
What  ridiculous  talk  is  this? 

CORNISH 
Lulu — couldn't  you  stay  with  me • 

LULU 

Sometime,  maybe.  I  don't  know.  But  first  I  want  to 
see  out  of  my  own  eyes.  For  the  first  time  in 
my  life.  Good-by,  mother. 

MRS.  BETT 
Lulie,  Lulie.  .  .  , 

LULU 

[At  the  door.} 

Good-by.     ;Good-by,  all  of  you.     I'm  going  I  don't 

[182] 


MISS  LULU  BETT 

know  where — to  work  at  I  don't  know  what 

But  I'm  going  from  choice! 

[£*».] 

[ CORNISH  follows  her.} 

MRS.  BETT 
Who's  going  to  do  your  work  now,  I'd  like  to  know? 

CURTAIN  (1} 


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